Jerusalem Journey

which LOTR character am I most like?

2008-08-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

You are most like Arwen. Calm and reserved, you are not given to sudden outbursts. You conduct yourself with dignity...most of the time. The rest of the time you cut loose and are totally cool. You don't really think of yourself as popular, but plenty of people like you. You are not given to needless flirting. The right person will come along some day, and you are content to wait.

Hmm... interesting. :)

Poquito Mas (and almost there)

2008-05-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

I am ready to be done.

No more assignments like this:

You would need to look back the case assignments first to see what was the component of each case for your portfolio and ask yourself, does this material reflect who I am as a teacher or career leader and appropriately present my position in the field? Did you learn anything about yourself when you were working your portfolio? Connect this experience to the question, how the learning outcome in the program contributes to your professional goals.

That last sentence kills me! I cringe every time I read it. Bad grammar really grates on me... as does poor sentence construction. Oh, and poorly chosen words in general.

Words were meant to be wielded masterfully! They thrive, the reader benefits, and the author succeeds at communicating!! I'm a little jealous of the perfectly-selected word or phrase, actually: to be absolutely apropos, fitting the context just-so, finding a meaningful purpose in being useful... now that's an accomplishment.

And I'm a pride-filled overachiever who just ranted a little bit.

Autobio

2008-05-03T13:44:00.001-07:00

One of my recent assignments entailed writing an autobiography. The prof provided examples by Abraham Lincoln and Sir Arthur Lewis to stimulate our thinking. I hope it's not narcissistic of me to presume the story is actually interesting; I've decided to post it just for fun. Enjoy, and be encouraged. :)

I was born on October 11, 19xx at Offutt Air Force Base, Nebraska. At the time, my father was an active-duty officer in the United States Air Force. Both my parents are children of military members—my paternal grandparents were an Air Force officer and an Army nurse, respectively, while my maternal grandfather served in the Air Force. Being part of families that have served our country has shaped my parents into who they are today, and it has influenced their personal character as well as their parenting. This impact has flowed down to me. Because of this background of military service, I have inherited a strong sense of honor, a thankful spirit toward the privileges we enjoy in America, and a desire to contribute to the well-being of others.

In their child-rearing, my parents followed in the strong Christian heritage established by their predecessors: my great-grandparents were missionaries to China, and my great-uncle was a missionary in the Philippines, while my grandmother prays by name for each of her siblings, children, and grandchildren on a daily basis, often beginning each day with a reading from the “Daily Light” Bible devotional. While they were not perfect, for no one is, my parents strove to instill in their children a sense of right and wrong, as well as a love for God and others. They displayed a committed partnership in their marriage and invested themselves in my life by spending time with me, encouraging me in my pursuits, and correcting me for my own good.

A strong educational foundation was established while I attended a Christian school for the elementary portion of my education. Here I was taught values as well as academic subjects, which supplemented the training my parents provided at home. When I was in the sixth grade, my teacher assigned an essay project for our school-wide “Famous Americans Day” celebration. My school designated a special day annually for students to dress up as famous historical figures and present projects they had completed, addressing some facet of American history. My essay was selected as the top entry in my grade, and I was asked to read it at the concluding assembly at which all grades would gather to display their best projects. This experience was the first step in realizing I enjoyed public speaking. Perhaps I did not enjoy it at that point, for I remember feeling very nervous, but it provided exposure in an area I would later come to enjoy, and in which I would gain significant experience.

When my family transitioned to home schooling in 1997, I developed self-discipline. This was invaluable preparation for my future learning at college, which I completed in three years, followed by graduate school as I pursued a graduate degree in Education. Throughout my life, I have discovered that each step serves as preparation for something in the future, whether I can anticipate it or not. I may not know which skills will come in handy, or which experiences will provide confidence for a later endeavor, but I can know that each step builds on the next. I will complete my graduate degree soon, and have been able to persevere in part because I had already begun to learn self-motivation as a high school student.

In a sense, I am following in my grandparents’ footsteps by pursuing a civilian career with the US Air Force. I find great satisfaction in contributing to a worthy mission, supporting active-duty members in their front-line responsibilities. The Air Force’s three core values—Integrity first, Service before self, and Excellence in all we do— also correspond with my own personal core values. While the future is hard to predict, I am confident that the training I have received will enable me to continue to learn, contribute, and serve.

“What a great Savior!”

2008-04-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

Not… “What a great band!”

Amen. As someone who’s participated in leading a church through singing, many times, I loved this clip. So often I’ve searched mentally for a way to describe what we do, and why. I know it’s an important aspect of Sunday morning, but what exactly are we trying to accomplish? Are we simply following the status quo tradition of our denomination in the structure of our services? Sing five songs. Stand up, sit down. Greet the people around you. Sit down. Listen to the message. Pass the offering buckets. Sing one more song. Does the singing and playing at the beginning serve a purpose? Does it matter?

In this clip, Mr. Bob Kauflin articulately captures the essence of the task of the “worship team”—or whatever the song/praise leaders are called at your particular church. It brought tears to my eyes, resonated with my heart, because he describes the supreme passion for magnifying Christ that should be our aim. A resounding “Yes!” sounded in me, responding to the higher view, the more glorious perspective. It’s not a performance or a jam session or a concert. It’s the act of humble hearts responding to God’s gift of grace through the powerful combination of words and music; it is sinners leading other sinners to delight in the Savior. It’s a privilege.

As a simple member of the Body of Christ, I want my mind and heart to be saturated with Gospel truth… not feelings or vague sentiments or annoying repetitions. As a supporting worship leader, I want to assist ‘the congregation’—my brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow heirs, co-laborers, mentors and friends—in their task of glorifying God by reminding them of the Cross, by proclaiming the glory of Christ, by speaking the truth and modeling joy and testifying to His wondrous, undeserved grace. That’s the point of having “the band” on Sunday mornings. That’s what I want to do and be. And that’s why it matters.

It's a close race... and I don't mean the presidential election

2008-04-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

Well, "Challies Dot Com" and "Desiring God blog" are tied on my Google reader for number of unread posts (47 each). It's hard to keep up, and I literally don't, because there is simply too much content out there to read it all. But I find diverse sources helpful, and I figure God can sovereignly guide which entries I actually read. I usually skim. :) At any rate, Reader is a handy way to contain the blogs on one's 'regular reading' list.

Ill News/ Tri Ride

2008-04-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

Ill news is an ill guest...
I haven’t exercised for a week due to a cold, which has caused me to adjust my expectations for the triathlon (coming up on April 26). Maybe I’ll just choose to have fun doing it no matter how long it takes, rather than obsessively seek to obliterate my time from last year. What am I trying to prove, or to whom? I may not be any faster (shocking!). I may in fact be slower (the horror!). My goal has never been to become a professional athlete. I have too much lung scar tissue, and too many other priorities, for that to happen. But it’s a worthwhile endeavor to push yourself, condition your body. It’s neat to see your endurance increase, to see the miles (or minutes) pass more easily. But if it gets to the point of obsession, I have to wonder, why? Why am I so bent on doing this? What’s motivating me? The answer to that reveals my heart’s condition.

Tri Ride
So much for my illustrious biking career. I must say I learned much from the morning’s experiences (attempted ride, 29 March). I learned…

--being prepared is always a good idea. Beforehand, I wondered if I should choose NOT to go because I wasn’t able to pump up my tires, or if that was just a fear-based excuse to not go. Well, since I got a flat around a half-mile from home, which successfully nixed the ride, I discovered it’s wise, not pessimistic, to start out with the best possible circumstances.

--having a plan is a good idea. Because I hadn’t thought about which shoe to disconnect from my pedal clips when I needed to stop, my moment of indecision cost me in the currency of a scraped elbow and slightly-bruised pride. At the first stoplight just around the corner from my driveway, I wavered mentally-- right foot? Or left? Gaaaaah! -- and promptly lost enough speed for gravity to claim the right side of me. The guy in the red Mustang next to me hopped out exceedingly fast with an incredulous, “are you okay?!” Thankfully, I was okay. And I wasn’t as mortified as I could have been. I’d been told, after all, You will fall. Having shoes attached to your pedals takes some getting used to.

--along with being prepared and having a plan… knowing how to change a flat and having the appropriate tools to do so would also be a good idea. ‘Nuff said.

Thankfully, God is patient with us, despite our foolish pride and stubborn rebellion! I can't get over that.

I hope to learn from every experience, every decision. When I make a wise decision, I want to ask, ok, how can I replicate that? When I make a poor decision, I want to evaluate, what caused that, what led to it, and how can I do better next time? Rather than bury a mistake to minimize the awkward feeling of embarrassment, I want to throw wide the windows and let in as much light as possible to examine the choice as closely as possible, in order to learn as much as possible. Am I keeping eternity in view, or am I allowing the moment to consume my perspective? I have to ask, after listening to John Piper at the regional Desiring God conference (what a blessing!):

Do I so live that people could infer from my life that Jesus is more valuable than anything else? Am I so radically "happy in God" that letting go of the happiest experiences on Earth would be gain?

Good questions to consider.

TriClub Ride - 29 March

2008-03-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I've stepped out to try something new: I've joined the Vandenberg TriClub, for swim-bike-run masochists, um, enthusiasts. Yes. I'm more of a run-run-run person, but it will be good to meet people, develop some connections, explore new territory (literally!), stretch prior boundaries past the unknown. I think I've probably biked 20 miles in one "sitting" (ha) before, but tomorrow's group ride route (below, isn't that special) is a mere 35 miles... "and we can always add more miles at the end," in case some people haven't punished themselves enough for one day. I'm a little apprehensive (and sardonic, can you tell?), but know I can do it-- I just might be really tired and sore the next few days. If you couldn't tell (all 3 dear readers), I'm at the stage of envisioning a massive gulf between a rabid, elitist, calorie-burning pro athlete... and me. See, I like to have fun when I'm doing stuff, and while I can be quite competitive, I wouldn't want to sacrifice happiness on the altar of speeding along for speed's sake. But I may be presuming. I haven't met any of these people yet-- all I'm going on is a stereotype of the temperament some athletes have. One way to find out!

Orcutt-Cat Canyon
Find more Bike Rides in Santa Maria, California

I can already see several benefits to this endeavor (not just biking, but joining a group):

1) It reveals my grotesque pride (e.g. I've been worrying if they will think my sunglasses are cool?!? How shallow and ungodly. How will I measure up against others, as far as athleticism or stamina? Will they like me? Will they think I am tough, or a poser with no right to run with that crowd?) Putting myself in this situation is a great opportunity to forsake pride and choose humility, to find my calm in God and His unfathomable love, not some perceived level of personal prowess in which I can be secure.

It's a perfect opportunity to eradicate that closely-clinging sin so I might run with endurance... and be that much closer to conforming to the Son's image.

2) It loosens the grip my fear of risks has on me, and helps me grow as I discover you can take (reasonable) risks without dying. Only on the other side of stepping out do we discover the feats God can help us accomplish. Comfort does not lead to greatness.

3) It gives me another "sphere" which can be a mission field. I want to cultivate relationships and seek opportunities for Jesus to shine through me. What better way than spending time with people?

4) I can be a friend to someone who might need one. It's a great opportunity to reach out, share love, and give without expectation of receiving.

5) It holds parallels for spiritual training-- an author illustrated life as a race (Heb 12), and Paul commonly noted the value of physical and spiritual training.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. I Cor. 9:24-27

And again,

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? Gal 5:7

...as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. Phil 2:16.

Finally, a passage that's become very real to me recently:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Heb. 12:1-3

Running is good. It's hard, but it's valuable. More on that soon! It's bedtime now. :)

The Glow

2008-02-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

So it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've been existing in that strange place of not wanting to post merely for the sake of posting while simultaneously feeling somewhat uninspired. My best stuff just comes, and I write enough mandatory papers that making myself write "for fun" on the side doesn't usually happen. Anyway. This quote from Beth Moore's Tabernacle Bible study, describing Moses's descent from the mountain after his encounter with God, really encouraged me when I was feeling utterly sinful and beyond use by God.

"Moses was not aware that his face was radiant. Although a change had been wrought, Moses was not aware of its obvious mark. How typical of God’s methods! As God perfects us, He keeps us protected from the pride that might otherwise develop by veiling to some extent our progress in our own eyes. You see, the light of the glory of His presence shines two ways; it sheds light on the knowledge of God so that we can learn to see Him more clearly, but is also sheds light on us so that we can see our own sin more clearly. Remember, the closer you approach the light, the brighter it shines on you. This is the marvelous two-edged sword of intimacy. We see Him more clearly, and we see ourselves more clearly. It is the perfect safeguard against pride. You can mark His word on this; true intimacy breeds true humility.”

Things (not) to Tell Your Boss...

2007-11-23T23:39:00.001-08:00

--Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 3:30 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
--If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
--If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic
--If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
--If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
--If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
--Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
--Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
--If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

(from http://www.stickingittotheman.com/howto/telltheboss.html)

The Choice

2007-11-23T15:17:00.000-08:00

Interesting article on Boundless, thought-provoking as usual. Of late I have pondered "Christian liberty" and wisdom, the corollary between choosing what is best (for me, for my brothers and sisters, for my witness) even though many things might be permissible. What is the wisest use of time, since God has entrusted it to me? God gives no guarantee of a long, full life... but He has given me today. Are the activities I participate in worthwhile? Do I allow my leisure activities to control me, instead of mastering them? Do I exhibit self-control? What is the wisest use of my money, since God has similarly entrusted it to me? Indeed it truly already belongs to Him, but how will I steward it? I may not have millions of dollars, but I have more than enough for my needs. Even in using money to fulfill my needs, there are choices: how best to spend it in order to be frugal, efficient, and moderate. Beyond the decision of spending money on myself or spending it on someone else (e.g. a charity), numerous good causes compete for funding. Which to choose? Ultimately it doesn't matter, as long as any of them meet my criteria for being a 'worthy cause.' That statement can be misconstrued; I don't intend to flippantly discount the decision-making process. What I mean is, the money I have given in faith as an offering to Him, He will use to further His purposes, no matter which organization I choose to give it to. It's not a decision I need to stress over; I pray about it, think it through, and go for it.

Along with liberty and wisdom comes moderation, something I sometimes find difficult. David Barshinger captures it when he says this (from the article linked above):

It is much easier to say "no" to everything than to say "yes, but not too much." Whatever the pleasure — whether wine, sex, money, power, TV, iPods, computer gadgets — we generally want more than we have, thankless for God's gifts, perpetually dissatisfied. And thus we become gorged with ourselves, not with God.

In dealing with the resources God has given, or when approaching the myriad situations in which He affords us the opportunity of choice, may we learn to be content, learn to choose the wisest thing. And may we truly desire Him more than any of His gifts.

Go, Johnny Mac!!

2007-10-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

My blog-reading informed me of an interview including Dr. John MacArthur on the topic of... yoga. This is sort of a "fringe" topic for me, one that comes up intermittently, but has never been a very pressing issue. (It seems like it could be innocent exercise as long as you don't do any weird chanting or anything... but enough people are polarized against it that I didn't want to be naive and blithely participate in something bad.) Check out the transcript, and a video courtesy of YouTube.

It's impossible to adequately cover the nuances of the issue in perhaps three 30-second opportunities to speak, in an interview reaching a grand total of 5 minutes. Much more could be explained to develop a complete framework, with more time. That's why it's so easy for people to misconstrue one's words in that sort of situation. But it literally shocked me that the other pastor, Doug Pagitt, took a verse out of context, claimed you can't presume to know what Jesus thinks about modern-day topics (I thought he or the emergent movement was all about relevance?), and dismissed outright the efficacy of the Word to impact our lives. Wow.

The Bible's principles transcend, and are completely applicable in, present-day culture. I am admittedly biased, because I believe the Bible is true and sufficient for any need, but I don't think either the Bible's own cultural contexts or today's cultural milieu make it irrelevant for today. I also don't think the Bible is ambiguous. While there is mystery in the Bible, there are also very clear instructions for how to live today. The manifestations of those instructions will perhaps be unique, but we can know what Jesus thought. In fact, there are numerous direct quotes from him on everything from children to money to lust to eternity!

Again, wow. I am simply non-plussed. (And by the way, I'm not one of those "John MacArthur can do no wrong" people. He's a fallen man who sins like the rest of us. However, I respect him very much for his advocacy for true truth, his staunch argument for the sufficiency of Scripture, his wealth of learnedness... and his vocabulary. Where else would you learn the word perspicuous?)

Keeping it real

2007-09-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Here's an excellent Boundless article. I especially liked this portion:

At first, we believe that a story, a building — a person — is "real," then we suffer disappointment when we discover how much is contrived. We have "friends" on Facebook but few in our presence. And if we cope by not believing anything we see or read, a cynicism grows that either destroys or grieves us. Occasionally, a genuine human encounter takes place, and we are taken aback by the solid feel of the conversation, by the contrast with our more typical clichéd, shiny niceness. We long for the real, the really real, anything that will make us think meaningfully or act creatively or laugh sincerely.

(The part that struck me was not the bit about Facebook "friends," but the cynicism: I've been working through a bit of jaundice toward the 'real world' as I've begun to experience the posturing, the inequities, and even the despair present in it.)

It's interesting to note the author teaches at Westmont, not too far from here!

On iPods and Fear of Man...

2007-08-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

I came to a distinct conclusion today: only certain people can pull off "the iPod look" with impunity. As cool as this popular accessory may be, it does not automatically imbue its owner (or wearer) with coolness. Since hundreds of accessories are available for any iPod, the discerning consumer has myriad options for displaying his prized iPossession, whether on his person or not. One option, intended to increase convenience and, thus, pleasure, is the armband-strap device, useful when the "hands-free" capability is desired while, say, working out. This setup is convenient in the fact that the user's iPod is out of the way yet easily accessible, and essentially weightless. However, a flaw in the system exists: the ear-bud cord. Oh yes, it is possible to clothesline oneself with this nefarious component if one is not careful, or happens to be particularly 'spatial-awareness challenged.' It is also somewhat difficult to recover gracefully from the "Ear-bud Popping Out Syndrome," or EBPOS, if people are watching. One may nonchalantly reach up and replace the errant ear-bud, but never inconspicuously enough.

This phenomenon throws into sharp relief a spiritual conundrum: what is coolness? Who or what allegedly makes it desirable? And whose esteem should I really be seeking-- what is counterfeit acceptance versus genuine approval? Why does it matter if I look cool at the gym? Why do I care what people think of me when they see me snag myself on a Nautilus machine? I think I definitely need to get rid of a whole lot of pride, and cultivate a whole lot more fear of the Lord, which will no doubt result in a greater love for Him and others. When I love Him I will want to obey and please Him, will care most about His view of things, and will be a blessing to people. A "Godward life" is a good way of putting it: pursuing holiness, glorifying God, discovering true contentment.

Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever! Deut. 5.29

To GOD be GLORY, not Man, nor any man. Whether or not they choose to use, wear, or disdain iPods.

On making decisions...

2007-07-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

Ever feel paralyzed by indecision, hampered by too many options? Ever wish someone would just pinpoint the right choice for you? Ever want a window into the future to glimpse the ramifications of a choice? Ever struggled with knowing God’s will?

It’s probably safe to say that most people struggle with making wise decisions. Those who don’t might be impulsive or conceited… or blissfully unaware (for a time) of that reality known as consequences. But why do we wallow in such angst?

Is it possible to over-spiritualize decision-making? As believers, do we sometimes think rationality must be abandoned for some mystical certainty God will reveal to us?

What are the facts here? While human wisdom has limits, and stubborn independence is certainly detrimental to a healthy walk with God, it is true that God has endowed human beings with intellect and reason. We are not brute beasts, governed solely by physiological impulses. We are neither victims of fate nor powerless to set a course. God has granted us a capability to measure costs, weigh possibilities, and anticipate outcomes.

It is fitting, then, that we make use of those gifts. I don’t think it is carnal, wrong, or sinful, for instance, to choose for myself what to wear each day. My decision will be guided by a desire to glorify God, and a reliance on the principles in the Word such as dressing modestly and honoring others above myself. However, within the range of acceptable clothing there is freedom.
While important, that example might seem like a fleeting issue, affecting only one day. What about long-term decisions, affecting life for years to come? I would submit that we fret unnecessarily over “bigger” life decisions. A recent article on Boundless addresses this, including the points below as a process for making good decisions:

1. To act as sensibly as you know how, based on what you know to be true of God's nature and character and of your own gifts and opportunities. Make plans, act on them, and trust God to guide you.

2. To make every effort to act wisely and truthfully, and then to surrender the outcome to God. Work hard, exercise good character, but stay focused on glorifying God not yourself.

3. To discover your redeemed passions -- your gifts, abilities and talents -- and to vigorously exercise those redeemed passions, trusting God to weave the pieces together into a coherent whole.

You see, we don't have to decide to do everything in life, just the next thing.

I really liked the reminder that it’s ok to do the best you can with the information you’ve got, and trust God for the results. Instead of worrying, I will start moving forward and trust God to guide me, and help me change direction if need be. I will choose to be faithful in what I know to be His will for me right now. I don’t want to fear the future, fear failure. I want to walk in faith, bold and confident of His leading, bolstered by the knowledge that I am secure in His hands.

Extirpation... the final frontier

2007-05-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

I had to take a little break and post something funny I came across. I was diligently poring over a scholarly article, when I read this:

We should seek it out and extirpate it whenever it rears its abhorrent visage.

Well, now, in the vernacular, the last part of that sentence might just be, 'rears its ugly head.' But I must admit 'abhorrent visage' sounds much loftier than 'ugly head,' and so incredibly erudite. That's academia for you, complicating matters in order to sound more intelligent.

I just have one more contention: that author really should have changed "rears" too, so readers would have been even more impressed, and less cognizant of the source phrase. Oh well. Onward!

[Ed. note: I failed to properly cite my source... I should have known better, as a current student! Here it is, in lovely APA format.

Hauptman, R. (2002, Nov/Dec). Dishonesty in the academy. Academe, (88)6, 39-45. ]

Misplaced Motives

2007-05-15T13:12:00.000-07:00

The other day, I had several errands to run in as little time as possible. Sitting in my car before turning the key, I breathed a quick prayer that I would glorify God in my imminent, busy, scurrying around... because I know it's so easy to get caught up in doing my own little thing that I become easily irritated and impatient, or become blinded to opportunities God may provide (whether to share the Gospel or show kindness) because of my obstinate focus on my plan. But after breathing that momentary "please, God" I had to stop (or stay stopped): was I really desiring God's glory above (instead of) my own, or did I just want my day to go smoothly and quickly? Did I want God to bless me and my errands because I could somehow impress Him with my humility, or persuade Him to accommodate my desires under the guise of serving Him? OUCH! I think it was a case of knowing the right thing (prayerfully committing tasks to God) and trying to do it, but doing it in the flesh. I'm grateful for the eyes God gave me to see an aspect of sinful thinking I struggle with mightily: performance-based living.

You are who God thinks you are, not who you present yourself to be. (Gunner)

God's love for us results not from our goodness, our proficiency, or our accomplishments. We can't earn His approval by what we do or who we masquerade ourselves to be. God's love originates in God, put plainly. It's His prerogative to do what He will, and I'm glad He did choose to love, adopt, redeem, forgive, and bless us... so why do I sometimes live like my standing is not secure? Can I so easily gloss over Christ's accomplishment-- obedience to His Father, sacrificial propitiation, atonement, victory over sin-- which makes my new life possible? That's the only reason I am declared righteous before God: Christ's perfect, substitutionary blood.

It's a good news, bad news scenario (but mostly good). Bad news: you can't do anything to make God love you or accept you. Good news: He has chosen to do so anyway through Christ! It is very freeing to realize this, especially when we can rest in that security of our identity in Christ instead of fruitlessly striving toward the impossible goal of being "good enough."

Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace. (Jerry Bridges)

Jerry Bridges's book, The Discipline of Holiness, is quite beneficial on this subject. He explains it more eloquently than I could! In all this "you can't do ANYTHING to earn God's approval," the pendulum swing argument is, "well, why are we supposed to try and be holy then, and why are there so many commands in the Bible about our behavior?" I guess it comes down to the motivation behind the action: am I obedient because I am trying to appease God, in my twisted understanding of reality? (ouch) Or, am I obedient because I love Him? I hope it's the latter.

All I want for Christmas...

2007-05-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

Partial obedience

2007-05-03T22:45:00.000-07:00

I love how the Bible includes stories of people's disobedience, not because disobedience is good, but because God is. His response to disobedience is recorded for us; we don't have to wonder about His perspective on the matter: it's pretty plainly delineated, and holds true now as well as the time of the first Israelite monarchs.

I'm thinking specifically of King Saul, when the LORD gave him the specific task of wiping out Amalek and all people and animals associated therewith (story found in 1 Sam 15). Saul obeyed... mostly. He spared the best animals and Agag the Amalekite king. When confronted by Samuel, Saul dithered-- first, "but I did obey!" Then, "it was the people's idea; they didn't want to follow through." Oh, and, "I did it so we could worship God by sacrificing to Him." How noble, how thoughtful. Or was it.

How disappointed Saul must have been to lose his kingdom because of this act of partial obedience (which is truly disobedience), his failure to completely 'devote to destruction' the Amalekites, as God through Samuel had instructed him. What hubris it takes to disobey: 'He said this, but I think it would be better to...' I am horrified by it in Saul's life, yet guilty of it myself. How much better to humbly obey, which brings God joy and results in blessing. I wonder if Saul ever got it, if he was ever grieved because he had grieved God... or if he was just sorry he got caught. The LORD regretted having made him king. Ouch.

Partial obedience, delayed obedience, and surface obedience to impress others are not acceptable to God. He is looking for men and women who will respond with instant, complete, whole-hearted, and joyous obedience each time He speaks.

-Del Fehsenfeld, Jr. qtd. in Seeking Him

God delights in obedience--the prompt, careful heeding of His voice-- more than the sacrifice of rams (1 Sam 15:22). He delights in obedience more than sacrifice, yes, but I also find it significant that He delights in obedience. I don't often think of God as overly happy, or overflowing with delight. (Don't you have to be serious to be holy?) But that is a misconception on my part. He is holy and righteous and Judge and Father and everything-that-He-is all at once, always. Did you know God sings? I never realized Scripture says He sings, but it does.

The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing (Zeph 3:17).

Not only does He sing, it's joyful singing. Again, He takes great delight in someone, in this case, Jerusalem. Oh, that I would remember Saul's real, tragic example of the result of disobedience, and determine to obey God as fully as possible, as quickly as possible.

Experiment/Joy

2007-04-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Gee, I'm really glad I took Elementary Statistics way back in college so I would could recognize the same maddening "huh?" feeling, now that I'm tackling Research Methods in Education, which seems to contain an alarming amount of statistical terminology! Honestly, it's overwhelming, BUT I AM THANKFUL for my prior brush with Stats, which makes it slightly less intimidating this time around. Slightly.

God is gracious, and mercifully orchestrates my days according to His plan... including the classes I took, am taking, and will take (now it's a grammar lesson). I decided I am going to experiment with my attitude: what would happen if I were determined to "rejoice always"? If I focused on joy as an aim, an attribute to acquire? Not that I do it in my own strength--never. But I don't want to neglect thinking about it, either, and expect God to change me while I wait, like sanctification's a 1-hour photo service. Along with muscle memory, attitude memory probably corresponds-- akin to "train yourself to be godly." What if I developed a Pavlovian response of panting with joy each time the bell of suffering clanged in my ear, or more likely, my heart? ...or the chime of pain... the klaxon of irritation... the triangle of temptation? I digress. This whole post is a bit of a digression, a respite from the initial inspiring topic itself, namely, "that distasteful class I have to take." I told myself I would give my full effort to this class, even when my "want to" is absent. I signed a statement I wrote and everything. It's actually going pretty well so far, despite how it sounds.

I hope to write something of substance soon. Much has been percolating, little has dribbled through. Soon.

Shards & Blasts

2007-03-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

THE BIBLE contains the mind of God, the state of man, the way of salvation, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers. Its doctrines are holy, its precepts are binding, its histories are true, and its decisions are immutable. Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe, and practice it to be holy. It contains light to direct you, food to support you, and comfort to cheer you.

It is the traveler’s map, the pilgrim’s staff, the pilot’s compass, the soldier’s sword, and the Christian’s charter. Here Paradise is restored, Heaven opened, and the gates of hell disclosed.

CHRIST is its grand subject, our good the design, and the glory of God its end.

It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure. It is given you in life, will be opened at the judgment, and be remembered forever. It involves the highest responsibility, will reward the greatest labor, and will condemn all who trifle with its sacred contents.

The source of this rousing reminder? The opening pages of a New Testament (plus Psalms and Proverbs) I found recently amongst my office supplies, a pocket-size, navy, pebbly gift from the Gideons. The well-known Bible-distributing organization bears the name of a "loser hero," as Todd Bolen would describe him. When we visited Ein Rogel almost two years ago, a memorable site in Gideon’s story, we assessed his situation: hailing from an impoverished tribe, the least of his clan, runt of his family, and too chicken to step out in faith as Moses or Joshua, forebears of the Israelite nation, did. Instead he hesitated, asking for repeated confirmation of his calling. God stripped him of the resources (men) he probably thought he would need to rout the enormous Midianite army opposing them… the hostile force he-- a nobody-- was supposed to face. Gideon and a mere 300 Israelite men spooked the enemy forces by shattering pottery, lighting torches, and blowing trumpets (at night, if I recall correctly).

An instance of impressive military prowess? Maybe not. But it gives hope to us today, that God could use us at all. We don’t have to be strong, or possess superior tactical knowledge, or carry out an impeccably-crafted strategy. (In fact, it’s usually better if we don’t delude ourselves into thinking we can handle what comes our way.) When I feel insignificant, I need to bolster my fledging faith with truth from the Word like this story: God purposely uses the weak to showcase His strength. It's all but impossible to attribute the gloriously incomparable results to anyone but Him when He does so.

God chose to include Gideon’s story in His inspired Word, and centuries later, it can teach us much about our walk of faith following our God-- the God of Israel who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. What a privilege to be grafted into a branch with such vivid history: numerous accounts of individuals who walked with God, each story unique, each encounter with God just a little bit different, revealing a unique facet of His unchanging character. It astounds me that God recorded incidents from the lives of individuals, not just “the nation.” Noah, Abraham, Deborah, Ruth, Peter, John… and so many more. We know these people’s names, their lineage, their feats and failures. What a treasure.

Belonging to Jesus

2007-03-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

O Heavenly Father,
Teach me to see that if Christ has pacified thee and satisfied divine justice he can also deliver me from my sins;
that Christ does not desire me, now justified, to live in self-confidence in my own strength, but gives me the law of the Spirit of life to enable me to obey thee;
that the Spirit and his power are mine by resting on Christ's death;
that the Spirit of Life within answers to the law without;
that if I sin not I should thank thee for it;
that if I sin I should by humbled daily under it;
that I should mourn for sin more than other men do, for when I see I shall die because of sin, that makes me mourn;
when I see that sin caused Christ's death, that makes me mourn;
that sanctification is the evidence of reconciliation, proving that faith has truly apprehended Christ;
Thou hast taught me that faith is nothing else than receiving thy kindness;
that it is an adherence to Christ, a resting on him,
love clinging to him as a branch to the tree, to seek life and vigour from him.
I thank thee for showing me the vast difference between knowing things by reason, and knowing them by the spirit of faith.
By reason I see a thing is so; by faith I know it as it is.
I have seen thee by reason and have not been amazed,
I have seen thee as thou art in thy Son and have been ravished to behold thee.
I bless thee that I am thine in my Saviour, Jesus.

--Valley of Vision

(100+)... and thoughts on riches

2007-02-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

Well...

now that I have read enough to get my unread blog posts down to a more manageable 83 from the earlier "100+," it's time to write a post of my own. The thoughts may be a bit disorganized, for which I apologize in advance.

Two days ago, God arrested my attention with 1 Tim 6:17:

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

Coupled with Jesus's own teaching in Luke 14, which declares (my paraphrase), 'Do not invite your friends, brothers, relatives, rich neighbors over for dinner-- those who have the means to reciprocate your kindness; but invite the poor, crippled, lame, blind-- those who cannot repay you-- for your reward will be 'at the resurrection of the righteous'' (v. 14); the verse above from Timothy, coupled with one instance of Jesus's teaching, leaves me with many questions. While I haven't noticed any special worry in my mind recently about money, my sin may be that of omission. Though not actively worrying, am I actively giving, and generously at that? Have I put my hope in my wealth? Am I trusting God to provide? Am I characterized by generous giving, and love for the poor, the sick, the uncool of society? James says that true religion is looking after orphans and widows. Replete with teachings on the poor, I think it is safe to say the entire Bible really speaks of a type of ministry about which the average Christian knows nothing. When was the last time I even had any contact with a poor person, much less served someone who could give me nothing in return?

God orchestrated my reading of a friend's convicting post to continue to stir my thoughts.

The disciples of Jesus left their prior livelihoods. They didn't have nice cars, palatial dwellings, new computers, matching furniture. (Obviously, I take a little bit of historical/cultural license here with the cars and computers.) Not only were they willing to sacrifice it all, they did.

Which presents another point: being willing to do something in theory is not the same as actually doing it. Abraham discovered this on the mountain. He had to physically tie Isaac, place him on the altar, raise his knife in his hand to slay his son. God’s foreknowledge that Abraham would obey was not enough. John Piper aptly quotes C.S Lewis in explaining this: "To say that God “need not have tried the experiment” is to say that because God knows, the thing known by God need not exist.” (A Hunger for God, p. 18) The excerpt strikes me because we are fairly willing to say we’d give it all up for Jesus: go anywhere, do anything. We even sing the song—with fervor!—“I ’d Rather Have Jesus…” In the next breath we complain that we don’t have anything to wear, or lament our lack of money, wishing we had more, to spend it on ourselves. Am I truly willing to sacrifice, to be obedient to what I know to be the teaching of the Bible, which I claim to believe in? What would it look like, today, to live as a disciple of Christ, were He to come down to Earth now?

James compares the rich man to a fleeting flower, a blossom which falls in a day and is reduced to nothing. The rich man, James says, fades away even while he goes about his business! (James 1:10-11) Ought we not to take heed of this and put our hope in God? The NT repeats David’s ancient declaration: Some trust in chariots, and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God! (PS 20:7) This is yod-he-vav-he we are talking about here, all caps, Adonai, the I AM whose name Jews would not utter, out of complete fear. His Name has power, and is the only one to trust in.

A little after James’s rich man/flower comparison, he avers, yes, every good and perfect gift is from above, from the Father, who does not change. He gave us new life- ‘birth though the word of truth’ (vv 17-18). The Word of God is power, not just has power. The Word is God’s voice to us; through it He reveals His will. In relation to His will—ascertaining it, doing it—Mt. 6:33 helps me immeasurably (such a famous verse, so often plucked out of context…). I’ve read it many times before, but this last time it imbued me with such hope and strength that I marveled at it anew. ‘Seek first His kingdom, and His righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you’ (my paraphrase).

Do we realize, speaking of context, that two negatives bracket this positive command? I am sure there is some fancy theological name for the “Do this” and “don’t do that” imperative type of commands. I never noticed this before, but the negatives are, first, ‘Do not be anxious about what you will eat, drink, or wear,’ and second, ‘Do not be anxious about tomorrow.’ Today’s business and tomorrow itself. In the middle of the two: seek God. Make that your primary aim, your over-ruling passion, your continual goal. Do not waver, just seek God. Do not allow yourself to become distracted with the cares of life, entangled by sin, or consumed with lesser things. Pursue God. Know God. Seek God! All these things—food, clothing, all the earthly concerns—will be added to you. Tying back in to Timothy: God ‘richly provides everything for our enjoyment,’ not unlike ‘all these things shall be added unto you.’

Paul continues in 1 Tim 6:18, “Be rich in good works, be generous and ready to share…” We are to be known for our riches in doing good, not our material riches. Bounce back to James with me: faith without deeds is dead; good works show our faith to be alive and well. “Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do!” (James 2:18)

“You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did." (Jas. 2:20-22)

I love how the Word of God is cohesive, through and through. Despite my jumping back and forth, its verses are not haphazard, disconnected bits of wisdom to be nibbled at or merely tucked away in a pocket for future reference. The words corroborate, support, reinforce each other. The message is consistent. God does not change, nor does His Word. The Name David trusted and exulted in is the same Name Jesus bore as His Father’s ambassador to a sin-saturated, Fallen world. Praise His Name. May we truly obey Him, revealing hearts genuinely devoted to Him through good works done as unto Him.

I Peter 5:5-7

2007-02-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

5Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I never realized the significance of verses 6 and 7 being adjacent to one another. Thought of separately, they both give a call to action with an understood you. Humble yourselves. Cast your cares. But perhaps Peter gives the directive to cast all my anxiety on Him in part because when I am proudly seeking man’s approval, I will worry about how I’m doing, and try to scheme my way into people’s favor, posturing myself to appear in the best possible light, avoiding anything that might tarnish their impression of me. Fearing man involves constantly worrying how I look to others, continually wondering if I come across as smart, godly, or even funny. When I am proud, I am depending on my own accomplishments for validation. The yardstick I wield to measure my worth is a stressful one, for how can I ever know if I’ve done enough? Maybe the anxiety I am to cast on Him is that of desiring approval from others. Maybe once I realize He cares for me, I will stop striving for perfection, or the appearance of it, thinking that is the only way people will love me: if they think I am perfect, or stand in awe of my talents. Maybe once I humble myself, I will not care what others think of me, but will seek to live in light of God’s truth… not even, “God’s truth about me,” but the truth of God’s gospel: He sent Jesus who saved unworthy sinners while they were dead in their sins. He has adopted us and called us to a ministry of making disciples and eagerly waiting for His return. That’s what life is about: the Gospel. Not being thought well of by others, or liked, admired, or respected. The goal is to emulate Jesus, who humbled Himself though He was God. I am not to even think about what my service will get me, or how it will endear me to others. My goal is a fixed gaze on Jesus, regardless of who notices.

Amendment

2007-01-23T22:27:00.000-08:00

I have been writing lately, just not publishing to a blog. And that is ok. Paucity of words is acceptable, preferable even, compared to a misuse of verbosity. Far be it from me to write just to fill space. Time is too precious. Life is too fleeting. Just a little FYI, for all two of my readers...

The Gospel

2007-01-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

The Gospel affects everything. It meets my deepest needs, refutes the most insidious of lies, commands the most respect, catalyzes the strongest action, and enacts the most far-reaching changes.

The Gospel CHANGES me, and is in fact the only thing which can change me or anyone else.

For instance...

I will be content with my body not merely because “God loves me just as I am,” but because Christ died to save my soul, which my body houses. Because the Holy Spirit resides in me, my body is a temple which I should care for with the utmost respect.

I will treat others with beneficence, assuming the best, refusing to use them for selfish gain, because of Christ’s sacrifice—who made Himself nothing, took the nature of a man, was found in human likeness.

I will speak kindly and wholesomely to others, because Christ died to restore communication with God for me, and I will choose to emulate God’s method of speech, which is always redemptive, rather than the world’s. As a member of His Body, His Bride, I will build others up because Christ’s love enables me to.

I will not waste time on frivolous or harmful things, because God has set me apart for Himself, to bring about His purposes and glorious will; and because God has a Kingdom in which I can now invest.

I will do or be all these things because of the Gospel: because of Christ’s redemptive work on the Cross, the Holy Spirit’s redemptive work in me, and God’s redemptive work in a world currently crippled by sin. Only through His enabling, His power, His words, can anything good come about.

Thoughts sparked by reading from:

Fitzpatrick, E. (1999). Love to Eat, Hate to Eat: Breaking the

bondage of destructive eating habits. Eugene, OR:

Harvest House Publishers.

Mahaney, C. (2006). [Weblog] Distorted beauty. GirlTalk.

Retrieved January 23, 2007 from

http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/2006/10/distorted_beaut.html

Tripp, P. D. (2002). Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands:

People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of

Change. Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R Publishing.

Vincent, M. (2006). The Gospel Primer for Christians.

Riverside, CA: Mission Reprographics.

Whitacre, N. (2005). [Weblog] Beautiful is better?

GirlTalk. Retrieved January 23, 2007 from

http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/2005/06/beautiful_is_be.html

Little deaths

2006-11-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

I desperately want to avoid frivolous chatter in this blog. Every post must contribute something worthwhile-- a thought, a realization, an exhortation. But perhaps that is an excuse to let myself off the hook and write nothing at all, if I hold myself to such a high standard. Posts don't have to be monumentally long in order to be useful. A paragraph may potentially be as valuable as a treatise. I need to get over my own ego and just write. Not only do I want to be able to look back with a clear conscience, that I am not ashamed of what I have written, but I also want to be more consistent in the endeavor of writing itself (having something written to look back upon), practicing discipline in one small way that it might be readily available for other areas.

Enough intro. Here's an excerpt I found to be encouraging, from Elisabeth Elliot's A Pathway Through Suffering:

So my decision to receive Him, although made only once, I must affirm in thousands of ways, through thousands of choices, for the rest of my life--my will or His, my life (the old one) or His (the new one). It is no to myself and yes to Him. This continual affirmation is usually made in small things, inconveniences, unselfish giving up of preferences, yielding gracefully to the wishes of others without playing the martyr, learning to close doors quietly and turn the volume down on the music we'd love to play loudly-- sufferings they may be, but only small-sized ones. We may think of them as little "deaths."

...The further we travel on this pathway to glory the more glorious it becomes, because we are given to understand that every glad surrender of self, which to the young Christian may seem such a morbid and odious thing, is merely a little death, like the tree's "loss" of the dead leaf, in order that a fresh new one may, in God's time, take its place.

My heart finds it far too easy to masquerade as a martyr. I complain far too often, and fail to grasp the delightful truth that God is in the suffering I face. I have experienced such minuscule suffering, when I consider what is possible. God has seen fit to spare me, for this time, but I do not know what lies ahead. I have seen, though, that He grows His children substantially through the dark times, and am beginning to accept and even rejoice in those little sufferings while in the midst of them. It is possible not only to look back and see God's hand at work in past trials, but to know that He is working in the present for my good and His glory, and rest in that truth.

I'm reading Hinds' Feet on High Places, too, and finding it superb. Good books are such a gift from above!

Learning something new

2006-09-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

(from 8 Sep)

Today I busted out my slippers when I got home from work-- with overcast skies and wet ground all day, it was nice and cold!! I am excited for this time of year. I like autumn, but not just because my birthday is in October. I love sweaters and layers and cute socks... even cloudy skies are enjoyable, because they are not an everyday occurrence.

On a more eternal note, God has strengthened my faith so much recently through the ramifications of having a dislocated finger. He is sooo in control. He is soooo trustworthy. He sooo has the big picture in mind with His plan. :)

I was reading the book of Esther a few days ago and realized for the first time that approximately five years elapsed between Esther's ascension to royalty and her heroict act of saving her people from utter annihilation. So what did she do during those five years? Perform normal queenly duties, whatever those might have been? Hang around at the palace? Supervise the servants? Grow out her hair?

Since we have such a telescopic view of biblical history, we can sometimes forget that events in the lives of these long-ago yet real people didn't necessary happen simultaneously. Perhaps time eked by, in their estimation. How long did those years seem to Joseph when he was in prison? Jacob's fourteen years laboring for his wives didn't pass instantly. Abraham waited a long time to receive God's promises.

Today when we read, we see their lives as complete; a succession of rapid-fire incidents to us was a gradual process to them. From the beginning, God has used time to sanctify human hearts. So often we are asked to wait, asked to be patient. Patience is a trait we usually wish we already had, but it is something that we only gain after waiting.

Waiting for "delayed gratification," a concept completely foreign to today's culture, is a tool God uses to build our trust in Him. When faced with a decision-- take things into my own hands... or wait on God?-- we will undoubtedly discover that God is faithful, and that He blesses obedience. We are so accustomed to making decisions by how we feel that it is extremely uncomfortable to rely on the truth, strangely enough. Feelings seem weightier than the true-but-ethereal facts. But when we wait, when the outcome arrives, the gratification, though delayed, is... well... gratifying (in the completely pure sense of the word).

Our steps become more measured, our faith more steady when we practice actively waiting on God over time. Listening for His voice and leaning on His understanding take effort because it's not our default setting, but those "old man" tendencies can be overcome by "putting on" the "new man."

God doesn't make us wait because He gets some sort of sadistic pleasure out of it, or because He wants to deprive us of something good. He is always completely good, always completely kind, always completely everything He is, all at once. He always has a reason for what He does and what He asks of you, and it's probably for your increased sanctification, that is, that you might be increasingly conformed to the image of His Son. Anything that "happens" to us, anything we face, anything He asks us to relinquish-- all of it serves His purposes, for He is sovereign. He is King and one day every one will acknowledge that.

Through Esther's story, I was also reminded that not every day has to be glamorous. Those 5 or so years about which we know very little-- they were part of her life and God was at work, even though no details from those days made it into the Bible. She wasn't Esther one day and a superhero the day she petitioned the king to save her people. She was just herself, the woman God wanted her to be, and He used her powerfully. She probably didn't know why God directed her life the way she did-- why she was orphaned, raised by a cousin, or chosen to be queen of the land in which she was exiled. Yet He had a plan and orchestrated each event in her life to bring about His purposes. She waited without knowing the next phase of His plan, and when the time came she steeled herself against possible death to seek deliverance for her people. It was one major event in one person's life, with impressive ramifications. As a result of her courage, the Jewish people were saved... and they still celebrate that deliverance with a two-day festival in the spring called Purim, a very happy time of giving gifts to each other and the poor (coming up Mar 3-4, 2007).

Another Jewish holiday, coming up soon: Rosh Hashanah, the New Year. :)

Evidences of God's mercy

2006-09-06T00:39:00.000-07:00

Well, my good intentions of going to bed by midnight are shot, so here's a quick post... it's quick to copy and paste a letter for an update. Probably most of the people who read this blog will get the email anyway, but it will be a good testament for my own memory, in case I forget this story or need to be reminded of it. I am certain God will use the following in whatever way He sees fit.

Dear Friends,

I feel compelled to share with you some recent evidences of God's mercy and preservation in my life with the hope that you will respond with joy and praise to God for his goodness, and acknowledge His hand at work in our lives. May my story strengthen your faith and cause you to seek a more ardent walk with Him.

Background/setup
This past weekend I visited TMC to see many special friends, two in particular being Randy & Phyllis Cook, beloved IBEX staff. The Friday evening dinner, attended by more than 50 IBEX alumni from many different semesters, was a HUGE blessing as we reminisced and rejoiced at the privilege God has granted each of us to go to Israel for a life-changing semester.

The Story
Saturday morning I played Ultimate Frisbee at the intramural field with a bunch of students, an event to which I had eagerly looked forward. Long story short, I dislocated my right pinky during an almost-glorious dive (it would have been a great play, had I completed it, but my hand found the ground instead of the disc). My little finger was bent at an unnatural angle, I could not move it at all, and I knew something was wrong. It was cool to look at, in a morbidly fascinating way. Reportedly, I said something to the effect of, "Guys, you have to come see this!"

But in the whole situation, God was gracious and merciful!!! Here are some ways I have pinpointed rays of His mercy, while I am sure there are more:

--Because of a women's soccer game at TMC that day, a trainer was there at the campus and looked at my finger right away, even splinting it and giving me ice before we went to the ER.

--The ER was not busy that morning, so I was in and out in 2 hours flat— an incredibly quick visit, in my estimation. The staff was also very efficient and helpful.

--There was neither blood nor broken bones, for which I was very grateful… and the pain was never excruciating.

--We live in a country where access to medical help is readily available, and I am covered by my parents' health insurance still, so I didn't have to worry about how I was going to pay for it. (We should never worry, of course, but it was nice to have that taken care of.)

--Becca Boone (IBEXer, sweet girl) and Gunner (an impactful RD at TMC) kindly accompanied me to the ER, and blessed me incredibly with a profitable & encouraging conversation, an opportunity we would not have had otherwise. I cannot even tell you how much it meant to me to be able to spend time with those two people.

--In the past few years of playing Ultimate weekly as a student, I am aware of no major injuries. That we have all survived each Saturday morning is a minor miracle.

--I drive an automatic, not a stick, so I didn't have to worry about shifting gears with my right hand on the drive home.

--This is a little thing, but I appreciate it: it happened around 9:45 am, so we had already played for a good hour and a half. I was definitely ready to stop, not disappointed at the brevity of play.

As you can see, there are many reasons to rejoice! I'm almost glad it happened, just so I could look for the 'blessings in disguise' in the situation.

Comic relief
God helped me see the humor in the situation, too: wearing cleats in a hospital was definitely cool, but I felt a bit conspicuous as I trailed a nurse down the hall very un-silently (can't you see me grinning sheepishly, clomping along the tiled floor?). The three of us also found humor in my shivering, caused by a combination of God's efficient A/C system for the body (sweat), the hospital's A/C, ice on my hand, and the ice water I was drinking because of thirst. It was in fact a blessing to be kept cool on a 100-degree day in Southern California. :)

I am able to use a fork and brush my teeth and do many things still! Some tasks are kind of awkward, but it could be so much worse.

Reflections
Through the whole thing God gave me peace, and I know without doubt He is sovereign and in control of all things. Again, it could have been so much worse, but really, it could not have been better. God has crafted human bodies with many parts that coordinate so intricately, parts composed of different materials functioning together… and we are amazingly resilient, yet surprisingly fragile. It reminded me of Romans 12, how we are each a member of Christ's Body, the Church-- what an amazing analogy to consider. No matter what happens, He is worthy of praise. I love the song, "Blessed be the name of the Lord," because it's true-- He gives, He takes away, He's God. In good times or bad He is present, He is unchanging, and He is good.

Thank you for listening; I really tried to tell "the story" as briefly as possible, which isn't very brief, if you know me. :) Please join me in thanking God for his mercy and lovingkindness, manifested in so many ways throughout our days. This instance in my life has made me acutely aware of Him, yet I know He is always at work. Each day of life is a gift directly from God, who continually showers us with various, lavish manifestations of his grace.

Our God is trustworthy. Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good and his love endures forever! And as my good friend Philippe would say, Rejoice!

Because He has given us abundant life,
Marisa

To Sum Something Up

2006-07-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

Even though I don't know what God's big plan is for my life, I'm trying to not worry about it. I'm choosing to focus on what I do know to be His will: the things in the Bible that are so clear for us, imperatives to love God, love others, etc. And, I know that if I focus on knowing Christ more, all the other things will fall into place. That is my one priority right now, to know and love God better.

Looking Unto Jesus

2006-06-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

It is always the Holy Spirit's work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus; but Satan's work is just the opposite of this, for he is constantly trying to make us pay attention to ourselves instead of to Christ. He insinuates, "Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith. You do not repent enough. You will never be able to continue to the end. You do not have the joy of His children. You have such a weak hold of Jesus." All these are thoughts about self, and we will never find comfort of assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self. He tells us that we are nothing, but that "Christ is all in all." Remember, therefore, that it is not your hold of Christ that saves you; it is Christ. It is not your joy in Christ that saves you; it is Christ. It is not even your faith in Christ, though that is the instrument, but it is Christ's blood and His merits that save you; therefore, do not look as much to your hand, with which you are grasping Christ, as to Christ. Do not look to your hope, but to Jesus, the source of your hope. Do not look to your faith, but to "Jesus, the author and finisher of [your] faith" (Heb. 12.2). We will never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our actions, our feelings. It is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by "looking unto Jesus." Keep your eyes simply on Him. Let His death, His sufferings, His merits, His glories, and His intercession be fresh on your mind. When you wake in the morning, look to Him. When you lie down at night, look to Him. Oh, do not let your hopes or fears come between you and Jesus. Follow hard after Him, and He will never fail you.

--Charles Spurgeon

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.

Ah, Child

2006-06-07T23:44:00.000-07:00

I care about you; I know your thoughts and delight to give you good things. Why would you want to avoid Me? The struggles in life are worth pursuing; the reward at the end is worth all the faltering here and now. This is training. You need to keep going, keep trying. You are mine, and I’ve called you to live a certain kind of life, not an easy one, but the best one. I want to be a part of your life; I want to fill you up and use you and make you a beautiful instrument, a fitting vessel. I can help you make it through hard circumstances. It is worth it to submit your heart, with all its desires, to Me. I will not trample a contrite, humble sacrifice such as that…

Spiritual Kudzu

2006-06-06T01:15:00.000-07:00

Appeasement didn’t work with Hitler. It won’t work as Ehud Olmert, new Israeli PM, hopes it will. Neither is it possible to appease our lusts into containment. It is a lie that they will at some point be satisfied. Any morsel offered in hopes of satisfaction only crescendos the original desire.

Whenever I hear the story of a person’s abject succumbing to a major sin, I wonder with deep disappointment, how could they let this happen? But what I tend to forget is that it didn’t happen suddenly. The sin crept up, entangling one’s toes slowly, imperceptibly, until it was too late and a deadly vine had wrapped itself around the legs and torso, immobilizing and toppling the person. They likely never intended it to go that far; they were overtaken by it and eventually became unable to fend it off.

Little slips, hidden lapses, private falters… that’s where it starts. Those “small” areas are the important ones in which to be vigilant—the ones so easily rationalized away as insignificant, the ones we think don’t matter very much, the ones on which wily Satan capitalizes. I can’t specify them for you; it’s probably a little different for each person, having unique weaknesses and propensities.

It is really sobering to realize that very little separates me from someone who has vastly fallen. I am capable of the worst sin, as much as I might think I’m “above” that. Little compromises have vast repercussions. And again, it never seems like it will end up like it does. We allow ourselves to be convinced that the pleasure we seek is worth disobeying for; our desires seem like indispensable needs, imperative for our well-being.

James, talented crafter of word-pictures, likens it conceiving and giving birth (which is a nine-month process in the literal case): But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. A little phrase my mom quotes from time to time seems applicable here: There, but for the grace of God, go I.

So, what’s the solution? How can you avoid derailment from the straight and narrow track? Close communion with, and emulation of, God, of course; much prayer, humility, and constant watchfulness. Our gracious God forgives sin, hallelujah! But that’s no excuse for laziness. We have a part to play, too: to mortify (kill, put to death, ‘put off’) our flesh, and gird ourselves.... to gird up the loins of our minds, preparing ourselves for action, being sober-minded; to gird ourselves with the powerful armor of God—breastplate of righteousness, belt of truth, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, gospel-of-peace shoes, sword of the Spirit (the Word of God!)—to gird ourselves with the new man, with characteristics of kindness, tender-heartedness, forgiveness …

With an awareness of the latent potential in each of us for wickedness, we can choose to walk that much closer to our Savior’s side, the only remedy (or prevention) for such a descent.

Recovery is possible; we see that in David’s situation, so long ago. A truly repentant heart (the sacrifice of a ‘broken and contrite heart’) God will not despise. But that is not to say that the consequences are not meted out; suffering resulting from the sin still may occur, even with repentance.

And if we are somehow able to avoid a major fall, we must be extra careful not to become prideful about it! (True? Of course true!) We must remember God’s hand at work: His grace allowing us to stand, His strength perfecting our weakness, His power triumphing for us.

Do you want your life to count in the end? Do you want to make it through the tests coming your way? Do you want to stay strong, despite the worst temptations? Do you want to look back and see faithful, dogged devotion to the only One whose opinion truly matters?

Die to self. Cling to Christ.

Here I Go Again --Casting Crowns

2006-05-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

Chorus:
So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear
is tearin' at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' 'bout the rain
And mullin' over things
that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance
to tell him that You love Him

But here I go again
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so
You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe
He will never die
But how then will he know
What he has never heard?
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life

But here I go again
Here I go, here I go

This might be my last chance
To tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance
To tell him that You love him
You love him, You love him
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard?

... blessed...

2006-05-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

I am so blessed.

Smug? No. Gloating? Hardly. Blown away? Now that's getting close.

Delighted, contented, happily-surprised.

I am so grateful for the people God has put into my life, for whatever purpose, with whatever design. It's not quite to the point of being overwhelmed... just an acute awareness of God's compassionate favor toward me, always undeserved.

Yesterday afternoon, almost 50 people came by (about 10 of them kids) for a graduation-open-house thing... I was blown away! I guess I didn't realize so many would come. Or I didn't prepare myself for the noise level of multiple conversations happening at once, or the hubbub of arrivals and greetings and hugs and questions and laughter and talking and eating. It was really good. I enjoyed it immensely, and hope everyone who came did too. It's hard to keep track of people when there are so many of them... and it's hard to have interactions of substance with anyone, but it can be done, in spurts. I trust everyone forgave me for becoming distracted with new people arriving: "hi! thank you so much for coming! so good to see you! how are you? " with my typical perky self hopefully helping people feel at ease. The food, over which Mom and I labored the last few days, went smashingly, if I say so myself. Mostly desserts left over, which is nice... they're definitely freezable. I felt so stuffed afterward, most of my food consumption coming from the "cleaning up" and putting away of the food after everyone had left, not having much opportunity to eat while people were actually here. Good times.

I have to say, the funniest gift was for my memory, in case I get rusty being out of school and all... it was a 'Disney princess' variety of Memory, the game. This along with coloring books to help me brush up on my alphabet and spelling (also smothered with Disney princesses and pink). Too funny.

God is so gracious. He has used others to make me what I am today; and I hope people got the idea that the party wasn't really about celebrating me and all my "wonderful accomplishments." It's to rejoice at God's hand at work, to marvel at the process He uses to *make* people... not just create them initially, but form them, mold them, shape them over time through their circumstances, their education certainly, and their surrounding network of people. What a wonderful thing that is!

God is good.
God is real.
God is personal.
God is forever.
God is patient.
God is kind... and is already all the things He calls us to.
God is extravagant... going "above and beyond the call of duty" (whatever that is!)... sending His Son. He didn't have to. But He did.
God is oh so gracious.
God is tender.
God is Abba.
God is here.
God is always God.
God is thoughtful.
God is God.

I think I know what it means when it says, "cup runneth over." I feel like my heart is running over with an awareness of blessedness. I need to remember that feeling and remind myself of it whenever I start to feel less than blessed... or unfairly treated... or start to allow a complaining spirit to take root.

I take comfort in belonging to God. It's a very strengthening truth. Can't wait for the day when I will be perfectly obedient, perfectly complete in Him, and with Him.

M

Blear-jet

2006-05-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

Bleary-eyed definitely describes me at the moment. I'm slouching at a computer in the library, grimacing a bit in order to keep my eyes open at all. It's 11:52 p.m., Monday of Finals Week. I have been here, excepting meal breaks and a mandatory loan consolidation seminar, since 9 a.m., which amounts to around 11 hours so far. (Lib's open til 2 a.m. during Finals Week.) 10 pages of my Milton paper have come into existence during that time, and the other 8 or so have been rearranged, pared, cut-n-pasted, and otherwise edited until they reach some semblance of coherence. I got stuck at several points, but passed a milestone or two along the way: at 12 pages, it became the longest paper I've ever written! I am, while being on the verge of groggily lethargic, understandably jumpy because Sean H has this wonderful habit of sneaking up behind me and growling in my ear. I'm not gonna lie, it gets me every time. I have two papers to turn in tomorrow morning, then I'm essentially done until Thursday, on which day I will study for my optional Foundations final and perhaps pack, but a definite part of the agenda will be hanging out with my parents, who will be arriving that afternoon. For Graduation weekend.

My wooden chair has become more uncomfortable by the minute. I'm starting to catch myself in random episodes of blank-staring.

I have no reason to complain about anything. Even when it's Finals Week and I have to do something "hard," it's so trivial. God is my rock, He is my center, the reason I do anything. I give shoulder rubs and read books and write papers and eat food and lay in the sunny grass because He enables me. Too often I forget that and think I run my own life. I presume to think I know what is best for me.

I learned today that Ecclesiastes is perhaps not the best book to read for your devotional time when you are dreading the ordeal of writing a huge paper. :) I was almost tempted to blow it off, quoting, "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity!" But I resisted that urge, and worked hard on the paper instead. And God helped me to finish it, notwithstanding one last entry for my bibliography.

It struck me today: Four days from today is Graduation. A day, a week goes by so quickly. It's almost here. Am I living well, to the end? (Or, the beginning.) There is no guarantee of tomorrow, for anyone. Life here is short; eternity is forever. But I don't live like it. I usually allow eternal thoughts to drift to the back of my mind, unheeding of the urgency of the call to 'live in a manner worthy.' Preoccupied with my own selfish thoughts about my own little life, I squander kingdom-time in favor of pleasing myself. I don't really want God to be glorified by my life; I just want to look like I want it, and I want to look like God is glorified by my life. Fighting the flesh is a constant in this life. But it's worth it when we dust off those "things above" thoughts and bring them into the light, for that practice yields the proper perspective.

Friends are awesome. Interpersonal relationships can be complicated. Saying goodbye is weird and hard. Life is about to change in a massive way... but it's not something I can't deal with, with God's help. It's inconsequential, in the truly grand scheme of things.

Press on, and rejoice always, as I will strive to.
M

I sat in the gazebo tonight...

2006-05-03T00:52:00.000-07:00

I sat in the gazebo tonight, for a time, soaking up my surroundings. Hands folded atop a weighty Milton book, my inseparable companion of late, I looked around at the immaculately trimmed grass, the garden-green plastic tables and chairs comprising “Under the Oaks,” the row of international flags across the street near the baseball field. The buildings in my immediate frame of reference have been useful to me during my stay here: King Hall, home of Student Life; Vider Hall, of Registrar’s Office fame… the gym, functioning for chapel and home games. Can’t forget the guard shack, manned by a rotation of seminary students. On my way “home” to my dorm, I walked slowly up the steps by Hotchkiss, steps traversed so many times—skipping, plodding, tripping, bouncing; eyes closed once on a dare, or squinting in the sun-glare, now and then dancing with my moonlight-shadow after a night of studying. Right outside my dorm I witnessed teamwork between pine trees and streetlamps: shadows painted on the sidewalk, swaying slightly in a breath of air, creating collaborative night-time art. The air was half-fog, moist and mild, not terribly obscuring visibility.

With a brimming heart I offer myself to my God, so thankful for what He’s lavished on me here. The surroundings are precious to me because of the people, because of the way God has changed me during the time here. My heart is full of memories—stirring conversations near those steps there, a hug and a prayer by that tree, and on that bench, I once provided a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. I can’t count the number of times I have walked down “the hill” to the caf, sometimes losing the shoes and going barefoot, just for fun. I’ve been exhausted and weepy and exhilarated and goofy and pensive and joyful and tickled and hurt and tense and frustrated and discouraged and elated: I’ve been me, here.

Will the europa bushes remember me, remember all the yellow daisy-like flowers I’ve plucked and adorned my hair with? Will the flagpoles miss my upturned eyes, searching, confirming all is well with the three flags snapping in the wind? Will echoes of my voice remain in the student center; do booths tell secrets? Will any of the pianos in the practice rooms notice my fingers are no longer tickling their keys, though others’ hands remain?

I’ll admit it’s silly to attribute longing and mourning to inanimate objects, but facing change can do that to a person’s imagination.

Tonight, Chorale gave their last full concert of the year. I didn’t cry the whole time, but Susie cautioned me against dehydration, a thought new to me. :) So what if I cried during the Baccalaureate Chapel yesterday? I was enjoying the sound of 1100 people singing holy, holy, holy to a worthy God. I was painfully aware of the fact that I am leaving soon, for good. And I will deal with it; I have to; it is my privilege to do so, because it is God’s plan for me.

He has an amazing plan, a good plan. He is good; why should I dread the future? I have no reason to be anything but excited about it, knowing what I do of His nature, He who does not lie or change or die.

I absolutely cannot complain, one iota. God has been so good and so gracious to me. I am utterly thankful for His grace on me, to allow me to be here for any amount of time at all. I think I’m just storing up these things in my heart, to cherish them with joy and thanksgiving. Isn’t that ok? So many people have encouraged me, and hopefully received encouragement from me. So many have borne my idiosyncrasies, and I theirs. So many times I’ve ignored others for my own interests and withdrawn in loneliness or selfishness. Yet God is forever; He is love; He is Savior to me. Unfathomable.

Tomorrow morning is Year End Show, the long-awaited day where we as a student body reminisce about the school year in a multi-media blitz of videos and skits, which our Chapel Media friends and ASB have worked so hard to produce. It is also the last time I will be assembled with “my group” at “our spot” on the bleachers. I must steel myself to say good-bye to that experience with peace and solid-tude, grounded in my faith in my God and content to follow Him wherever He takes me—for it might be anywhere. That’s the exciting part, and the terrifying part. I do trust Him, though. I have tasted and seen. Bless His name at all times, o my soul. My filled-up heart and mind: praise Him and forget not all His benefits.

M

God answers prayer!!

2006-04-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

We should not be surprised to experience God at work in our lives. Today, in my case, though not surprised, per se, I am exulting in the joy of seeing a fervent prayer answered. Not only does God answer, but He responds to specific requests. I think it’s ok to be happy--giddy even-- when we see a specific response of God. It’s all right to be blown away by His compassionate mercy and grace gently deluged on us. I don’t know how to put this situation into the right words—it seems so obvious, so overstated. Of course God answers prayers! No duh. Tell me something I didn’t know before. It seems like that should be one of the foundational truths of our faith, yet so often we are shocked when God actually responds in the affirmative.

Two days ago, a friend came to me with not just a heavy heart, but a conflicted one. He was at a crucial point in his walk, and I knew it. Before we talked, I prayed for wisdom and the right words. While we talked, I spoke what was on my heart—the truth, because I care, and any good knowledge or wisdom God has wrought in me is due to His prerogative and for His glory. After we talked, I prayed that God would use the good things I may have said, and neutralize the effect of anything bad I may have said.

Today, this friend again sought me out, with a radically different countenance. He had made a choice, the right one, and was free. I am sure he will face struggles and challenges in the future. But I am choosing to hope in the power of God to change a life: a pivotal choice can be made, and a person can be changed in a moment, to begin walking down a different path than the one they had previously chosen. God works miracles. And you and I, and my friend, are living proof .

Do we expect God to answer? Or do we think that because He’s sovereign, what He wants for us won’t be fun or enjoyable or easy. True, it’s often hard or painful, what He chooses for us, but surely He delights to give good gifts. And when we want what He wants, He is glad to give it. When we are obedient, it pleases Him greatly. We do not perform good works to earn favor, or even merely out of gratitude for what He’s done for us, but because He made us to do them—and made them for us to do—and any being or organism or device that does what it was meant to do is beautiful and fulfilling to behold. A soaring aria is a joy to hear, swirling up the emotions; a finely-woven tapestry stirs wonder in its beholder as it tells a story, just as a superbly-written phrase or paragraph resonates with its reader, or a blazing sunset takes one's breath away. Things done well in the right way for the right reason, with the right direction, result in joy. I want to remember this for a long time, that I might more readily bless the LORD at all times. He is good; that word does not lose its meaning no matter how many times I say it!! Why would anyone confide in me, but that the Lord was choosing to use me? That blows me away.

Let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
Ps. 105.3
M

The "Why," not just the "What," of Obedience

2006-04-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

Read here a brief, excellent statement on why we as Christian women dress modestly. :)

Sweet

2006-04-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

Today was a bit bitter-sweet. Mostly sweet, but tinged with sadness because I was confronted yet again with the fact that I am graduating in three weeks from today (technically, it's Friday, though I have not yet shut my eyes on Thursday). We seniors received our caps and gowns this afternoon at a meeting. I cried a few moments after I'd been holding it. This is it! It felt like an announcement to everyone who saw me walk by-- hey everybody, see this bag I'm clutching? It contains a black robe and tickets and it's all for this big ceremony-milestone-thing coming up. I'm leaving soon; you better get a good look at me before I'm gone for good!

Not toooo sober a moment, just a smidge. It's not all about me, after all. It is time, for as Micah James was quick to remind me, God is sovereign. His plan is good! I am excited for the future, whatever it may hold. God already has a plan. My job is to be obedient in the daily small tasks. How can I be anything but grateful? I am supremely grateful for wonderful friends... Sean, Elizabeth, Erin, Kaitie, Shane, Brian, Naomi, Katy & Shawn, Grant, Turtle, Kai, Paul, and so many others. There is quite a preponderance of bloggers among my friends, isn't there! What wonderful encouragement these friends are to me, and what fun we have! Last weekend a bunch of us camped near Nike Point to watch the sunrise the next morning (see above and below). We had fun talking, laughing, and before bedtime, singing songs to God, courtesy of Shane and his guitar-- and remembering His sacrifice, for it was Maundy Thursday at the time-- just enjoying the company of one another. We took quite a few pictures in the morning, after roughly two hours of sleep. It blows me away that I have had the privilege of knowing these people for the last three years. What a special time it is. (I couldn't quite muster the fortitude to write what a special time it "has been." It's not quite past tense yet!)

Tonight, I was happy to attend an "optional recital" of a dear, old friend. It's cool that I can consider him that. That story by itself is a testimony to God's grace and ever-merciful work in the lives of His children. I am grateful for his friendship. I was most happy, though, that the entire event was so God-honoring. It was very evident in Jason's demeanor and in the whole thing who the concert was for... and it wasn't anyone contained in a mortal body. It was extremely fun, too! He sang in German as well as English, and enjoined his voice with Christin's for two numbers (one in Italian, and a cute little ditty in English), and reunited with Karl, Jason Hunt, and Randy for two numbers as their quartet: Slaves By Trade. Their blend was sublime, truly one of the most unified performances I have heard. J-sun's fiancee, Dana, was a wonderful help to him in the preparations and reception afterward. I am so happy for them; it's a good match. His accompanist, Melissa Brink, is outstanding. I don't know how she does it; those Mozart pieces were so fast and note-y. The concert went smashingly, all around.

Flanked by good men: my brother Mark and Jason

Later today (tonight): Duo-ling Pianos concert, of which I will be part. I'm excited!

But, because of the concert, I need to get good sleep so I'll be rested. Mum and Da are coming down! It's gonna be great.

God's grace is so good. I have tasted and seen. Today I was reminded afresh of it, in so many ways. Just read Ephesians 1 and delight in the almost incomprehensible riches of blessing God has given us. Treasure His Word. Just read it; you can't help but be changed. Turn your gaze again to the Cross. It's not just for Christmas or Easter, but every day! Christ lives, and because of that we have hope and our faith is not in vain. The Spirit, whose power raised Jesus from the dead, dwells within us!

His,
M

P.S. I've been quoted! And yes, I did say something to that effect...

The Look

2006-04-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

After such a dearth of posting, I've decided to endeavor to post more frequently, developing this habit first to "stay in touch" with others, school friends namely--this medium being much more of a necessity after I graduate, or so I anticipate--and second, to discipline myself in the art of writing regularly. It's not always fun or easy, and I don't always feel inspired, but those are insufficient reasons to prevent me from doing it.

So... a bit of musing from earlier tonight that will hopefully encourage you (excerpts):

...God does not love me because I am worthy of love. He does not bless me because I deserve blessings. He loves me because He has chosen to do so.

...What am I using as a standard for “should’s”? Obedience pulses throughout the pages of Scripture; it’s a healthy thing. But we are not performing to earn favor. We are not to do it in our own strength. I must not seek to do what is right just to circumvent feeling guilty. How lame is that! What would the right attitude be, in seeking to do the right actions?
–Asking for the Lord’s enablement, sustenance, and strength to do what He has asked me to do.
–Intentional dependence on Him; a relinquishment of self-sufficiency.
–An awareness of doing all for His glory, no matter what the task is.
–A willingness to let go… of anything I may grasp too vehemently, any time I start to trust in myself or look to my own resources for help.

I need more than Eleanor Roosevelt telling me, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” I need more than willpower. I need the power of the Holy Spirit. I face no small foe. So often I am easy prey for his schemes, for I deprive myself of the defense possible, in staying close to my Savior’s side. In fixing my gaze ever toward His cross. In choosing to reject lies and believe completely in truth. In seeking help from the only source that can truly save me, has already saved me.

I can’t just sit back and relax while You do my work for me. I still have to work; you empower me to do so. I won’t pretend to understand that perfectly. How about “barely”? Here goes.

God, I want to do this right… and not just so I don’t have a guilty conscience. You have already cleansed me from slavery to the law of sin and death, so I am not guilty. Forgive me for dwelling on my feelings and not Your truth, the truth You have so clearly given to me in Your Word. Please forgive me for thinking my works earn me favor with You; I know that nothing I do could attain Your favor or assuage your mighty justice. Only the sacrifice of Jesus Christ can do that. Thank You for sending Him to Earth—to live, to die—in order to save me. Thank you, Yeshua, for being obedient to Your Father, giving me an example to follow, and the opportunity to practice following because of the new life you have given me through Your death. You were blameless, perfect, holy. And You came down into filthy squalor, becoming a Man. You became like one of Your creations, that you might rescue all people from the rebellion they have chosen. What love...

My response is to surrender everything to You. Only You can make it worthwhile. I’m not giving you my all because it’s worth anything on its own. I’m not giving it to You to somehow try to repay You, for that is impossible. I’m not committing to follow You (once again) because I think that this time, I’ll do it perfectly. I’m doing this because I have nothing to bring. Only your holiness saves me. That is truly “my only hope.” So I surrender myself to You because that is all I can do. I recognize my need for help, my inability to do things right on my own. I am not a good savior, or boss, or leader. My example is often not worthy of being emulated. You are the source of everything worthwhile in me.

May my life be a testimony to You. To Your greatness, Your mercy, Your patience, Your power, Your compassion, Your joy. Fill me with joy! I bless Your name, though I am weak. I praise You for preserving my life, though I complain and dislike my circumstances at times. I trust You, though I struggle with fear of the future. I place my future into Your hands, where it should be anyway. I acknowledge I cannot control myself, others, or bring my plans to fruition. Everything happens according to Your plan, somehow. It all works together for good. I believe Your Word. I love Your Word, teach it to me! Cause me to crave it. Help me be obedient, Lord.

Something I appreciate about lyrics set to music is the factor of time newly indwelling the words. How easy it is to read a stanza without pause, minimizing the potential import of powerful words. But when a phrase is sung, or a syllable emphasized, an interlude observed... how impactful those same words can be. It's part of the inexplicable power of Music, an almost-magical component I think God built into us to respond to music in a unique way. All that to say, the following is one of my favorite songs, a poignant visualization of a massively significant day... and a perspective we'd do well to consider.

The Look

I saw one hanging on a tree
In agony and blood
Who fixed his loving eyes on me
As near his cross I stood
And never till my dying breath
Will I forget that look
It seemed to charge me with his death
Though not a word he spoke

My conscience felt and owned the guilt
And plunged me in despair
I saw my sins his blood had spilt
And helped to nail him there
But with a second look he said
“I freely all forgive
This blood is for your ransom paid
I died that you might live”

Forever etched upon my mind
Is the look of Him who died
The Lamb I crucified
And now my life will sing the praise
Of pure atoning grace
That looked on me and
Gladly took my place

Thus while his death my sin displays
For all the world to view
Such is the mystery of grace
It seals my pardon too
With pleasing grief and mournful joy
My spirit now is filled
That I should such a life destroy
Yet live by Him I killed

“The Look”, original lyrics by John Newton, new and alternate lyrics by Bob Kauflin, music by Bob Kauflin.
© 2001 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI). Sovereign Grace Music, a division of Sovereign Grace Ministries.
From Upward: The Bob Kauflin Hymns Project.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured. North American administration by Integrity Music.
International administration by CopyCare International. Used by permission.

Isn't He good?
M

I've discovered something infinitely more entertaining than homework...

2006-04-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, BLOGGGING!! (And the 3 G's in the center of the word were intentional...)

Well, it's been awhile. Too much has happened to recap. Let's just say March was a busy month, if internally rather than academically. This semester I'm plugging away with 13 units, so there's ample time to think, ponder, meditate, muse, cogitate, contemplate... well, no need to be a thesaurus.

I'm getting wise! Hopefully in more ways than one, for not only are my classes spiritually and intellectually stimulating, my wisdom teeth are making an appearance! No longer coyly couched in their pink beds, at least one is boldly making its way into society, a debutante of sorts, only my mouth is no Southern ball! But neither is this tooth a belle, for it is causing pain. The experience is not without its fun, though. I derived enjoyment from the fact that I was right in my self-diagnosis! And second, since today is the first day of the last several that I've been out of bed and felt alive, being sick with the stomach flu (so I thought?), it's quite the drastic difference to have energy. Thus, a multi-media presentation to revolutionize your universe! or at least make you smile ruefully and waggle your head in a bemused fashion.

The industrious student's solution for comfortable free-handedness: the hoodie-holder! Homework must go on, ice pack or no... but it's nice to not have to hold it as one types!

This is kind of working...?

Can I still sing while it's numb??

Is it gonna hurt more??

~Sigh... oh well!

Yes, I am a ham. Especially after being cooped up in a room for a few days... and eating nothing but crackers, rice, and jello.

A nice diversion, but now I must return to homework. A half-page of writing, then I'm done for the night.

Toodles!
M

--from the Book of Proverbs--

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and discipline...

[turn] your ear to wisdom and [apply] your heart to understanding...

For the LORD gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding...

By wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations,
by understanding he set the heavens in place...

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding...

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding...

What's to be Done?

2006-02-28T23:01:00.000-08:00

Indeed, what is to be done when one is too taxed mentally to even contemplate Milton, yet is not quite ready for bed? Write a blog post, of course! :)

I have felt overwhelmed, of late, with all the mental stimulation on so many different fronts. Each class lecture, reading assignment, sermon, and meaningful conversation provokes my brain into action. So many things to figure out, understand, make sense of. I caught myself thinking, I need space to think-- but there's not time. Which is not true, of course. I really have no business saying I am "too busy," for I actually do have time, I just squander it from time to time. When I could be thinking, sometimes, I choose to lose myself in a brainless pursuit, because it's easier. How many times a day do I reeeeally need to check my email? It's been more than a month now of schoolwork, and the fatigue is starting to set in-- mental and physical. Early hours rising, late hours bedding, and many hours studying will do that to a person. Yet how weak my will truly is, how lax my body-- even without pressures and strains. My situation isn't "hard" compared to some things.

For all I profess to love and believe, my life surely reflects one thing quite well: self-love. Meanwhile, God is at work and He is changing me, no doubt. But there is still far to run in my race, as far as I know. (Jesus could come back at any moment!) I will choose to continually reorient myself to seek Christ. Fall down? Get back up. Don't spend time trying to talk yourself out of it; just do what's right. Obey when you don't feel like it, and the feelings might come. Even if they don't, obedience's reward is immeasurable.

Yeah, a lot of stuff to work through. I think God is preparing me for the future. I sense Him at work, though unaware of His plan. I am growing increasingly weary of college, not just the work-- I like working hard-- but the situation. I want to be with older people more often, not my own peer group; it constrains me. I'm ready for meatier challenges (or so I think) and desirous of having someone's high expectations to meet. I guess God's are the highest possible, but I'm wanting an adult challenge. Probably a foolish wish... it will come soon enough, and God has exactly what He wants for me right now.

I am grateful for the Word.

And for friends.

In other news, I got a haircut this afternoon. It was a pretty spontaneous decision. Katy (Ford) needed to fill an appointment she had made for someone else who had to cancel, so I went with her. I feel too glamorous for my own good! I webcammed with my parents and took a picture afterward, for posterity, even though it's not hi-res. Oh well. I like the cut immensely, so far. I spend very little time on my hair, usually, and when I take the time with it, I feel vain for handling it during the day, as if to draw attention to it. I've never liked hair in the face; it gets in the way. But hey, first time for everything. I've got layers now, so it's necessary to leave it down more. :)Nothing wrong with being (and looking) feminine.

In other-other news, I took a CLEP test yesterday and PASSED!!!!! I was very excited and relieved, for that means there are now only 16 units between me and a bachelor's degree. Still have to take an Econ CLEP and finish my courses, but it's not insurmountable.

This isn't either, though it might seem like it: a group of us, don't ask me why, are going without sugar for a month. We're 10 days into it, so far so good. (I just jumped on the bandwagon, didn't come up with the idea.) We're not being super strict-- if sugar is already in something like bread, that's ok; natural sugar in fruit is ok, etc... it's just the tacitly artificially-sweetened things that are off-limits, like desserts and soda. I'm finding it's easier to avoid something altogether than to have self-discipline in indulging moderately, yet exercising restraint. I rely on a good metabolism too heavily. :) And I really do like salad and veggies and fruit! I don't drink soda, so no loss there. The "no chocolate or brownie or muffin or ice cream or sugar-bomb cereal" thing is hard, though. Not overly hard. It's funny how physical things like food can teach you about spiritual things like temptation, deceit, self-righteousness, self-love, self-supremacy, and idolatry.

I really should go to bed if I'm not going to do homework. I'm not. Therefore: good night!
M

A Word

2006-02-23T21:49:00.000-08:00

My new favorite word, or favorite new word, courtesy of Prof Horner: conflate. :)

"I don't agree with that!"

2006-02-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, ladies and gents (if you're actually there), I just disagreed, out loud, with my planner. This past January (I can't believe we're almost two months into 2006) I deliberated in the 'binders and planners' aisle at Staples over which calendar design I should buy for the year. The ones that suited me best (word-and-definition-per-week, for a word-lover) did not include the month-at-a-glance pages, so I bought less-desirable but adequate "flowery quotes" ones instead, because I can write in and see all the birthdays in any given month (my objective). By the way, there are flowers and other nostalgic objects strewn about the pages, along with supposed-to-be-pithy quotes by famous people. Nice color scheme, too: creamy parchment, dusty cranberry, slate blue, sage green; quite soothing. However, the quote in question, for which you are probably dying as you bewail my tedious and unnecessarily long buildup, was this:

Do not fear mistakes- there are none. (Miles Davis)

Obviously, he is not accounting for the sin factor. I just don't see how he can say there is no such thing as a mistake. I do agree with his implied outcome: positive thinking. Of course, my "positive thinking" is grounded on an unchanging God who speaks through His living and active Word, so our definitions of that term may differ, semantically speaking. Through the Word, I've been learning to think on what is true (Phil 4:8). God has told me that His perfect love casts out fear (I Jn 4:18) and that He is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Ps 46). I will continue to sin (but hopefully not walk in sin), though He is sanctifying me until that day He completes His work (Phil 1:6). He will come again (I Thess. 4:16-17)!! My hope lies in knowing Him and loving Him. His Word is becoming so precious to me! I just can't get enough, and want to just read and read and read. What a treasure; what a privilege.

He is my Rock

The concept of Sin has existed in the Word (and World) since Genesis 3. I'm sure my perception of Sin, Temptation, and the Fall will radically change once I've made it through my Milton class. "Paradise Lost" is an epic poem written by someone who had an extraordinary grasp of everything literary, including the Bible. Dr. Horner's already promised it will be revolutionary in our minds. I can't wait.

Directly proceeding the concept of sin follows the truth of consequences. How many people have experienced that truth firsthand in drastic ways? I need not give examples. It's a sobering thought to see how the mighty have fallen... or even how the ordinary 'girl next door' has become entangled in sinful desires-- dragged away, enticed, lured by a dangerous, alluring counterfeit which brings death (Jas 1:14-15). Sadly, we all know a person-- perhaps many people-- who have fallen away, or engrained patterns of disobedience in their lives. Hard hearts, messed-up marriages, suffering children: it's discouraging at times, though never hopeless. We must take heed, lest we fall. I am just as capable of screwing up as the next "Christian." It wasn't for my righteousness that Christ saved me; I must remember that. I deserve Hell as much as anyone. But I'm not going there. Jesus has ransomed me and chosen me, so I am His-- I have been bought and paid for, no longer my own.

Isn't it amazing what perturbation a simple 7-word sentence can provoke?

In other news, tonight was "Worship, Praise, and Prayer," a monthly night service at Faith Community. It was so refreshing! I'm so infinitely glad I went. We sang exuberant praise (well, my heart was rejoicing!), prayed for the missionaries from this church (in places like Spain, Tanzania, Brazil, Mongolia, the Ukraine, and Peru), and prayed for each other, in groups of about six. It was so awesome. I wish we could do that more often.

I love the Waldocks. Joan and Gordie have just been a huge encouragement to me! They are so solid and upward-focused... and exuberant and affectionate. I love having an established relationship, so that they know me. And when I tell them "just friends," they believe me. :) I wish I had a picture of them. I will have to rectify that situation sometime!

And I should reeeeally go do homework before nine o'clock, at which time we have another night game of Ultimate. Should be interesting, with a less-than-full moon. It will be fun, though freezing cold. I'm hoping for the former only and not the latter. :)

God paid the blood-price to save our souls, hallelujah, what a Savior!
M

The Ultimate Life

2006-02-12T23:31:00.000-08:00

In the midst of hard questions-- how does that "put off, put on" thing work? How can I mortify my flesh? What would be the best thing to do with my time? How can I be a good friend? What in the world does God want of me?-- there is peace. Jesus obeyed His Father; we are to follow Christ's example, as His followers. It's simple, when you get down to it. We preach Christ and Him crucified. 'Simple, not easy,' as my pastor says. It's the hardest, yet most satisfying way to live. Just obey what you already know, and don't worry about the rest. That would be counterproductive. The rewards are certainly worthwhile-- eternal, versus fleeting? It's an easy choice when it's hypothetical. 'Of course, I will obey God. Less consequences, it pleases not grieves Him, it will be better for me...' but I choose to disobey because I believe a lie that says, "What I want will make me happy. I can't control my emotions, nor should I try! Daydreaming is a good thing!" Ha. Not even close.

That's where the Holy Spirit comes in!!! Well, technically He's already in me, but He is powerful! He is stronger than Satan and his minions. He has already won. NO ONE can snatch me out of the Father's hands. I am convinced-- fully persuaded-- that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. I will cling to God's truth! I will take captive every thought, to make it obedient to Christ! I will not look back, only press forward.

Now, if only I could just use my time well. :) This semester especially, I have a feeling God will be teaching me self-discipline. With only 13 units currently (and a few CLEP's to study for), time is a valuable commodity, in which my activities expand to fill the available time. It comes down to choices. And I don't always choose wisely, but God teaches even in mistakes.

Tonight was busy and wonderful-- I went to the home of a couple in my Sunday School class for a dinner-party-thing. It was really cool, especially cause Prof Horner and his wife were there, as were Gordie and Joan Waldock. Joan cracks me up. She's so spunky, and she cracks herself up all the time! She's not afraid to speak her mind, or poke fun at people in a loving way. She and Gordie are pillars, married 30 years and still going strong! Such an encouragement to me. And I discovered there are a couple people with full Jewish blood in our class as well. Extremely interesting to me! The conversation topics were pretty funny... aches and slipped disks and surgery... hey, what can I say? I was the youngest one there, but it was still amazing fun. I amend the previous statement: there were kids there, so I wasn't the youngest, but they were of the elementary school variety. The couples were about 30's to 50's. Something I appreciate about my church: people some age besides 17-23. I get tired of being around all college students all the time. I miss old people and kids, so church is a great way to relieve that hankerin'.

Oh, and since it was a full moon tonight, we played ULTIMATE, starting at 9 pm. It wasn't too bad actually, playing two days in a row. Time will tell-- the achy joints and stiff/sore muscles are sure to make an appearance. I was so pleased at the turnout!! Almost 20 people came... and I only got hit in the face with the frisbee once (one of the hazards of playing at night). It's intense in a different way than morning games, and the lit-up disc is fun. All in all, a great night.

And tomorrow will be great too, because I'm practicing rejoicing always. And blessing the Lord at all times. He has been showing me I need to do that, because I don't, and it's sin.

I got to talk to Robby on the phone last night!!! I miss him so much, he who calls me "Moreesa." That whole thing is kind of hard to explain, but I am so grateful we were on the worship team together. I loved his frank answer to my "howya doin'?"-- "I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty much a horrible sinner, but God saved me, so it's all good." Yeah. He's amazing and I miss him. But God has us each where we are for a purpose, praise His name. I can trust Him!

Different friends have taught me different things.

Philippe's mantra is "Rejoice!" His excitement is contagious. Mary tells it straight up, strengthening me in what is true with bold love. Robby is... Robby. :) As amillenial as you can get, and genuinely caring and knows his convictions. Shane listens well, and displays a willing heart. Erin gives good hugs, and despite some bumpy times, we are true sisters now. Kate brings a great perspective. David helps me look at the bright side... Christian reminds me there is subtlety in the world, somewhere. At Joe's story, my hope is renewed, that God works miracles in our hearts. Chris and Mindy are great for adventures. Emily reminds me to chill out and laugh. Meg shows me God is my Father... and that even 'littlest ones' can be worthy hikers. ;) Salome prompts me to speak clearly and explain idiomatic language. Jenny displays a perpetual positive attitude, in the face of uncommon illness. Kai reminds me to study (grrr) and be super. Hannah is open and kind.
Holly lives up to her middle name-- Joy-- and enjoys absurdly hilarious things. Lester's sense of humor still unsettles me, but I'm getting over it. Heather reminds me of the world out there, and of the people groups yet to be reached. Rosie's hard-earned wisdom strengthens me. Katy is sweet and genuine. Krissa is my dear heart, a fellow tender-heart-er. Micah encourages in so many ways, being a beyond-thoughtful brother.
Jen pursues God with sincerity.

I missed a couple of people in that list, but I love them all. Most of us who are still in CA got to hang out last night; it was awesome-- even Krissa was able to come. We met up at In N Out (food joint of choice, I guess) and ate, then went to Kate's condo for a game (Four on the Couch) and brownies... and a visit to the complex's hot tub. We had a blast. We reminisced and got all sentimental at one point. But neither Krissa nor I cried! An accomplishment! We prayed for the Spring IBEX group. And I couldn't help but think how we are all so different, yet because of our shared experience, we go together. And it's nice that everyone knows everyone else. As Holly is fond of saying, "I know you!" To know and be known is just about sublime. The only thing that would have made it better: a memory card in my camera. Yes, I had my camera. But no card. Oh well. Here's an "old" picture that will have to suffice.

Being known always reminds me of God's ultimate knowledge. It is way superior to anything we can have as humans-- He knows what's in our hearts even when we don't!

And that makes me happy.
M

college life, in all its "glory"

2006-02-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

As the days of college wind down--my last semester!-- I feel more and more like a freshman. I shirk responsibility, defy policy parameters (mostly in my head), seem to be going backward in accountability.

Humility is submitting to rules when you don't think you need them; maturity is willingly obeying what is asked of you, even if it seems restrictive.

I recently found myself irked at the chapel/church miss policy, which seems unnecessarily complicated. ("Sunday School" does not count as one of the two required weekly services, unless your church doesn't have an evening service, in which case it does count as a church service. College group, midweek Bible study, or Awana do not count either, if your church has a night service. You miss night service (or morning service, for that matter) and go to 5 other meetings at the church during the week, doesn't matter. Still a miss. But they give you 8 for the semester, which should be plenty. But still...)

How sad that such rules are necessary at all! You have to make people go to church? These are things people should seriously be doing on their own, because they're right... right? I guess it's hard when you've been trained to be responsible, then your authority assumes you'll be irresponsible. (It's a wound to the ego, a pride issue, I guess.) That is not the case, however; it is true that many people my age do not follow good guidelines, and need the strictures for their own good, and the people in authority are perhaps leery of students because of a track record of lazy disobedience. I'm amazed (though I shouldn't be) at what some of my peers will say and do. My own heart is plenty wicked and deceitful. And I am here voluntarily, thus it was a choice in the beginning and it's a choice to obey now, too.

All that said, I had a smashing time tonight, avoiding homework and bowling with friends! I "never" go do fun stuff during the week, so I did tonight. Especially since it was $1 night-- game and shoes for only a buck apiece. Great fun!! Incidentally, I have discovered something at which I am TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!! But it was still fun. Joe and Holly were amazingly good. Turtle held his own, and Shane was freaked out by the extra-smooth lane, so he kept me company at the tail end of the party. I did get two or three strikes, though!

I need to take more pictures! I have gotten out of the habit, since being back. I have none from T&L... and just a few from the first few weeks of school. Many fun times, but no pictures. That's ok. I'll rectify that henceforth. Starting now: here's a picture of us from tonight!

Every day that passes, I grow increasingly aware of the huge privilege it was to go to Israel. I am SO thankful for the people He has allowed me to get to know.

The more I read of gifted writers (Milton, Piper, Gunner...) the more inadequate and feeble my expressive power seems to become.

And I waste time on things that absolutely DO. NOT. MATTER. in eternity. Why? I thought I wanted to live sold-out for Christ? Why am I so flaky?

But He has blessed me. He chose me. He adopted me. He has accepted, redeemed, and forgiven me. Huge blessings, enumerated in Eph. 1, among other places. I can't get over His grace.

And... His provision. In spite of my willful sin. He provided all the money I needed, within the time deadline placed upon me, for a Spring Break trip to Mobile, AL, to help with rebuilding homes in an area devastated by Katrina. Did I pray enough about it? I don't think so. Yet He chose to provide. He would still be good, even if He didn't choose to provide. But He did. I don't understand it. But I can appreciate it.

Posting is dangerous when you're in a bit of a pensive mood.
So I end soon, because I need to get to bed.

Am I obedient? Am I willing to give up everything, not just the things I don't want, but the most dear and precious things to which I cling-- those things, for Christ?

None of us have any guarantee for tomorrow. I was reminded of that last night in Milton: one's life is a thread overshadowed by a scissors-wielding Fate, ready to snip the thread at any moment-- a totally pagan image, but compelling nonetheless. I could die tomorrow! Or Jesus could come back! I just don't know. No one knows how many days God has planned for them. So why do I worry about what I'm gonna do in the future, if I don't even know if there will be a future? It's an interesting perspective to have.

Saved,
M

Repositories... not of bones, but of energy!

2006-02-04T00:07:00.000-08:00

This afternoon and evening I had the rare privilege of babysitting two amazing little girls. One reminded the other to obey God and Mommy... they played well together and had superb imaginations, creating clues for a mysterious treasure hunt during a walk... they love each other and their baby sister, and are polite and sociable with strangers... they wanted to name my turtles John and Jude-- as in, 'his name is John,' and 'Jude and Revelation.' Wow. The solid training they've already received was so evident. It made me even more aware of the fact that I am not ready to be a parent. Of course, parents start out with a newborn and have opportunity to train up their children from Day One, whereas I was confronted with a 5- and 3-year-old. But I still don't know how to train children up well. It's such a huge task. I am certain, however unqualified I feel, that God provides the grace needed at every point of the endeavor called Parenting. Just like marriage, which requires supernatural intervention, being a parent teaches a person many things about themselves and God (I would gather this, not having personal experience of either, yet). Logan (with the cucumbers) is compliant and quite the conversationalist. Tori (pictured below) is quite a little monkey, climbing anything available, and hardly flinching at scraped knees and banged shins. They both have so much energy that I was exhausted after a few hours of keeping up with them. And their mom has them all the time, except for a few hours of kindergarten for Logan. What stamina!

You may be wondering why Logan is enjoying what appears to be spa treatment. Well, Cindy (their mom) dropped the girls off with me at the dorm, and tonight just happened to be a dorm slumber party... event... thing, so the little ones got to enjoy "dance dance revolution," cookie baking, face masks, a sauna room (just for a moment), and many willing playmates! It worked out pretty well, except for my attention being divided among too many things-- mostly trying to keep track of both of them at once. I think they enjoyed it also, so it was fun. They are both absolute packages of energy. I almost could not believe it.

Logan's "clues" -- special leaves or pine cones with messages instructing us that "up ahead" we would find our next clue-- reminded me of a list I made the other day, when I needed some "facts": truths of God that I needed to remember in my situation, simple thing that should be self-evident, but which I tend to neglect in the face of struggles.

Here's a rendering of 25 things I jotted down. :)

1. God has a plan.
2. God's plan is for my good.
3. God is capable of working out His plan (no plan of His can be thwarted).
4. God is sovereign.
5. God's plan is best.
6. God loves me, and has already given me everything I need for life and godliness.
7. I am not sovereign.
8. I do not know what would be best, nor do I know the future.
9. God is trustworthy.
10. Waiting patiently and willingly is worth it.
11. Life on earth is short; eternity is forever.
12. True contentment and peace are found in Christ alone.
13. God uses trials to perfect and mature me.
14. The daily choices I make do matter.
15. My goal in life must be to pursue Christ.
16. Submission of all of me to Christ is worth it.
17. God does not despise the sacrifice of a broken and contrite heart.
18. He protects me from evils of which I am not even aware.
19. Jesus persevered and obeyed; He is to be my example.
20. My life exists to glorify God.
21. The holy Spirit fills me, when I do not resist, and guides and comforts me.
22. He is my down payment, deposit, or guarantee that I belong to God.
23. No one can snatch me out of the hands of the Father.
24. Because of my knowledge and faith, along with complete reliance on the power of God, I can persevere. I will not grow weary in doing good. I will not give up, nor forget my goal and purpose: to KNOW CHRIST.
25. One day, I will stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ and give an account for how I lived this fleeting life.

That's my list, and now it's beyond bedtime, if I am going to get up for Ultimate at 8... we'll see. J-sun called me last Saturday at 8:15 a.m. to see if I wanted to come... it was pretty funny, later, that he woke me up when I had no intention of playing Ultimate that day. Oh well.

God is so good. I say that so often, but I am continually blown away at His faithful sameness, even after I blow it. He never changes; He is 'the unlying God.' May my life reflect His glory in some small way.

M

An Almost-Poem...

2006-01-29T13:11:00.000-08:00

January 31, 2005

Invisible: so I hope in You who are unseen
Immortal: You exist throughout eternity
King of Ages: You will reign above a glassy sea
The only wise God: alone of glory deserving

You are real, though not yet in my sight
You are comfort, keeping watch through the night
You are Sovereign, a ruler of tenderness and might
You are the Word, speaking Creation into light

You are Love, steadfast and perfect
You are Truth, in whom is no darkness
You are Mercy, saving the undeserving

How You give us the desires of our hearts when we delight ourselves in You!
How You shower us abundantly with gifts, making known Your will and giving wisdom.

You are Sacrifice, the blameless one covering my guilt with perfect blood
You are Redemption, buying back the one who was dead and restoring life
You are Lord, to whom I bow and all allegiance give, as Slave to Master
You are Friend, Closest One who knows my every thought and fear
You are Provider, competent for bird and Man alike, to assuage every need.
You are God.

A Bizarre Event

2006-01-24T10:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first day of school (not the bizarre event, that's coming later), but it is only the second day of classes, so I will update. :) I love my classes so far! I've been back to school for almost a week now, and it almost seems like I never left. But it also feels like I've been gone a looooong time. I like my wingmates-- what I've seen of them so far-- and it has been fantastic to reunite with "my IBEX people."

Some of us met last Saturday afternoon to pray for the IBEX staff, and the new group going over, and it turned into a 5-hour thing!! It was awesome. We started out at Hotchkiss lounge: sang some of our semester songs (about 45 min), prayed for the staff and each other (45 min)... then realized we had missed dinner at the caf. So, we went to InNOut, all ten of us, and came back and ate and hung out in a lounge, since InNOut was packed, nowhere to sit. We each shared what God had taught us over break, or thoughts we'd been having even since getting back to TMC proper, and it was so good. I can't even express how encouraging it was. It's especially poignant because I know we won't have the same opportunity to do that during the semester-- everyone's just too busy and going all different directions. Hannah, Jenn, Kai, David, Philippe, Shane, Micah, Mary, Erin D and I just had a blast with each other. Hopefully next time others won't have schedule conflicts!! It's nigh unto impossible to get everyone together at once, but last night at dinner we were fortunate to sit together, unplanned: Holly, Hannah, Jenn, Emily, Salome, Micah, Philippe, Chris, and me. There's at least one of my people in all my classes so far... and Shane's in three of them. Weird. But cool! 8 of us are taking a second semester of Hebrew. I'm gonna die. Not if I work really hard, but I still might die from it even if I do work really hard. We'll see. I'll do my best, and rely on God's power.

After dinner/'sharing time'... some of us went to Sweazy for a birthday cake party thing for Naomi (Erin's old roommate), and some went to the basketball game. Some(ok, I) went to the party, then the game. Micah even took some pictures with a sweet Chapel Media camera! It was toward the end... 3 minutes left... and the 'Stangs were ahead by two, when at literally the last second, the other team made a 3-pointer. So crazy. I wish I could have seen more of the game, but I'd rather talk with people and what we did do was good, so no worries.

So, the bizarre event: Campus security called me at 1 am Saturday morning.... Could you please come down to the Swixon parking lot? There's been an incident with your vehicle... My heart pounding, I wasn't sure if it was a prank (and a weird one at that), so I took a couple people with me down there-- I wasn't gonna go by myself! Sure enough, there was a security guy... and a silver car blocking mine (so I thought.) Turns out its passenger side was kissing my bumper. We could not figure out the situation. How bizarre, that someone would run into my car, then leave! Turns out, it rolled from its parking space, and the owner had no idea what had happened. Only $400 damage to my car, but $1100 to hers, none of which I have to pay for. So it will work out fine. It was freezing standing out there, though! Absolutely bizarre. See picture below-- my car's bumper is on the right.

God is so gracious, even when His people are unfaithful. I see it in the Word in the Israelites' story... and I see it in my own life. If I really dwelt consistently on Christ, I would live differently. I just hope my life gives a testimony of His grace. I needed His grace to repent; and I still need His grace, daily, to live in a manner worthy of the Gospel.

His lovingkindness is everlasting.
M

Dangerous Prayers

2006-01-20T17:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever prayed for patience? God likes to respond by training us in patience by graciously providing trials that stretch, and test, and grow the patience we thought we wanted.

Well, I think the same often may be said of asking for humility. Our Lord will answer that prayer in the affirmative by humbling the one who makes that request.

Pride is so ugly, yet I am filled with it. That is not who I am anymore! But it creeps in, often unbeknownst to me... until its filth is glaringly revealed by the light of God's truth. It is painful to have the abscess of pride expunged from your heart, but it is a very freeing pain.

I've been "stuck" at one chapter of Andrew Murray's book, The Master's Indwelling. It is my goal to read one chapter each night before I go to bed, but I have been reading the seventh chapter for several days now-- the one that elaborates on humility. Here is just one small excerpt.

What is it that prevents people from coming to that entire surrender
that we speak of? It is simply that they do not dare abandon
themselves and trust themselves to God. They are not willing
to be nothing, to give up their wishes, their will, and their
honor to Christ. Will we refuse the salvation that Jesus offers?
He gave up His own will. He gave up His own honor. He gave up
any confidence in Himself. He lived dependent upon God as a
servant whom the Father had sent. This is the salvation we
need--the Spirit of humility that was in Christ.
I am glad I can trust my heart surgeon-- He's the best one around, you know.
M

I thought of a really good post-title while I was driving yesterday, but now I have forgotten it...

2006-01-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

Truth and Life has begun! It has been SUCH A BLESSING to be here!! I feel really content in it. I have discovered that the best place to be is where the Lord wants you. There are so many people with whom I need to catch up. I hope to eventually, but must be patient, because right now meals are not good times/places to talk privately, with everyone just getting back and being social. There will be time later to plan lunch dates, something I am greatly looking forward to! Yes, that is a dangling preposition I left there, but "something to which I am greatly looking forward" didn't sound right.

Not much to report at the moment... not that this is a formal report. I feel a little cold but refuse to turn on the heat if I am leaving soon to run an errand, which I am, so I'll just deal with it. I discovered that I didn't bring very much stuff. Really. It felt like a lot, but I have plentiful drawer-space and am a bit mystified as to what to do with it. I haven't bought books yet, so that would probably alleviate at least one bare shelf. I don't know what I'll do with the other half of the room that is soon-to-be bare... we'll see. Creative, frugal things are on the way, I think.

God is so good.
M

Sunrise at Petra Youth Hostel, Jerusalem

A Few of My Favorite [People]

2006-01-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

I'm breaking the precedent of posting on even-numbered days, but probably no one noticed that except me. A little thing called Winterim disrupted my schedule a teeny bit, but it's over now. I am so thankful I had the opportunity to go! I think two factors would have to coincide in order to survive an intense one-week class like that, though. In my case, last week great teacher and great topic did in fact intersect: one of my favorite teachers (Dr. Behle- seen above snitching Turkish coffee from a waiter at Abu Gosh Restaurant), teaching an extremely important topic (Theology). I learned a ton, even got super excited about it and was spurred on to be bold in my faith. I hope what I learned will stick.

Heather and Kristen were able to come visit us last weekend! It was definitely wonderful to see my sister-in-law and her sister-- not blood family, but family nonetheless. They have both grown and changed since we last saw each other, as have I. We had a great time.

I don't have much to say, except I was recently reminded-- as we learned about election and propitiation and justification-- how little I deserve God's grace. And how my response should be to continually live in light of God's work on the Cross: to live a holy life, under the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, and to share my faith with others who are as lost as I once was. It's sobering to contemplate the fate of those who do not know Christ. I can rest in His sovereignty, knowing He has chosen those whom he will bring to repentance, yet I must be obedient in sharing the Good News. It's humbling to remember that even faith is given to me by God. Nothing on my own accord has made me closer to God. I can repent because He gave repentance to me. I still don't understand how it all works, but I am sure of this: He has chosen me. I rejoice in that truth and exult in it.

Studying the end times definitely provokes a different perspective, lends an urgency to proclaiming the message. I really wish I thought about eternity more-- what it's really going to be like. How differently I would live. Know what's cool? Jesus is coming back to Jerusalem someday. The dead in Christ will rise first. We will be snatched up in the air with Him. I can't wait to see what it's actually going to be like!

As I drove home from school last Friday, one song on the CD I was listening to gripped me. The lyrics (by Augustus Toplady, and later Bob Kauflin) are below.

Rock of Ages, Cleft for Me

Rock of Ages, cleft for me
Let me hide myself in Thee
Let the water and the blood
Fromy Thy wounded side which flowed
Be of sin the double cure
Save from wrath and make me pure

All the labors of my hands
Could not meet Thy law's demands
Could my zeal no respite know
Could my tears forever flow
All for sin could not atone
Thou must save, and Thou Alone

Nothing in my hands I bring
Simply to Thy cross I cling
Naked, come to Thee for dress
Helpless, look to Thee for grace
To Thy fountain, Lord, I fly
Wash me Savior or I die

While I draw this fleeting breath
When my eyes shall close in death
When I soar to worlds unknown
See Thee on Thy judgment throne
Rock of Ages, cleft for me
Let me hide myself in Thee

Wow.
M

On Dentists and Demographics

2006-01-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

Who ever conceived of a dentist who would traverse such topics as demographics and socio-cultural mores during a visit? But what better audience to enjoy than a mute, captive one-- one whose mouths are effectively silenced by the number of hands in them.

I got my teeth cleaned yesterday, and it was quite the one-sided conversation. My dentist is weird like that, though. He's brusque and not much of a "bedside-manner-er," but he likes to talk. So I was subjected to his spiel, this time on demographics and society. At least I didn't end up going home in tears this time.

But beyond the level of tooth decay which is indicative of my social status (I think he's on to something...), I realized something in my own heart that reflects the human condition. My terse dentist told me I need to take better care of my teeth. After all, gum disease has been scientifically linked to other ailments such as heart disease. So in addition to brushing at least twice daily (which I have no problem completing, thanks in part to my fastidious roommate's example) and flossing at least once daily, I'm supposed to use the newly-patented Hydro Floss machine that squirts ionically-charged water into the spaces where bacteria thrive and no toothbrush bristles can reach.

No big deal to just do it for a few minutes each day, right? Well, immediately, my inner voice retorted, Well, what if I don't want to? It's my mouth... I don't care if my teeth are bad when I'm older; everyone's teeth are bad when they're old! What about tribes in Africa who don't have toothbrushes?? If I'm a missionary someday, I might have to live without floss and toothbrush, and it would be ok. They didn't have toothpaste in Bible times!...

And so on. And I realized that I have no room to look down on people who don't do what is ultimately in their best interests. It's always been mystifying why people do not do what is obviously good for them... why, in fact, they tend to choose to do what is the exact antithesis of what is good for them, inflicting wounds on themselves that were completely avoidable. But I do the same thing, if on a smaller scale. It might not be a sin to commit bad "oral hygiene," but the same principle is involved.

Just as an incidental... it's always so frustrating when a dentist asks you a question, or asserts a claim you wish to rebut... but you're woefully unable to say anything because of his very own hands and instruments in your mouth, making it barely possible to breathe and mostly impossible to speak articulately. You'd think they would have figured out the cause-effect relationship to that by now. Hands in patient's mouth obstructing speech+ question asked by owner of hands=no answer to question except head wiggle or raised eyebrows.

I'm so glad I won't need to visit dentists in Heaven. That sounds so juvenile, but it sheds light on the greater truth of being with God; living in a new, perfect body He will give me; being in a place where there is no night, no need for sun to shine, no tears or pain or death or sorrow. A perfect place where I won't even care about what my teeth are like because I will be consumed with worshiping my Lord and King.

Now that's something to look forward to.

I just remembered I should be vigilant in waiting for Jesus's return. Are you watching for Him?
M

the Voice

2006-01-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

You really must read the entire book to grasp the full significance of this passage, but it's one of my favorites-- the passage, and the book, C.S. Lewis's The Horse and His Boy.

"I was the lion." And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. "I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."
"Then it was you who wounded Aravis?"
"It was I."
"But what for?"
"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."
"Who are you?" asked Shasta.
"Myself," said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again "Myself," loud and clear and gay: and then the third time "Myself," whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it.
Shasta was no longer afraid that the Voice belonged to something that would eat him, nor that it was the voice of a ghost. But a new and different sort of trembling came over him. Yet he felt glad too.

It's supposed to be fiction... or is it? Whatever kind of book it is, it caused me to think. So often in life we are unaware of God's purposes behind our circumstances. He directs our paths in ways about which we have no clue. We're not exactly pawns in some cosmic scheme of His, but we may as well be sometimes, for how much help we are! He directs the courses of kings and commoners. Nothing is too difficult for Him. He provides for needs of which we are unaware. I should not compare myself to others, sizing up their life and situation; it is my task to be content in the surroundings in which God has seen fit to place me. A healthy fear of God is a valuable thing for a believer to cultivate.

Strange how a child's book can inculcate deep truths. Yet isn't it the faith of a child that Jesus pointed out as exemplary?

Hail, hail, Lion of Judah; how powerful You are.
M

a door named '2006' beckons...

2006-01-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

A New Year
At first I thought it nothing special... but He reminded me it was indeed a beginning. Just as God ordained Day and Night to delineate time, so also there are seasons and months and years, observable in Nature's rhythms of life. No arbitrary demarcation of Man, the distinction placed on the passage of time is yet important to us, because God chose it to be so. His thoughts are higher than our own, as are His ways. He cannot be compared to us, though we often attempt an absurdly inadequate comparison. He is mighty; our flesh is weak. He is infinite; we are temporal. He is love; we are sinners. How great is His mercy toward us-- in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us! He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life: the only way.

Hiding His Word
I'm trying to decide what passage to memorize for the first quarter of this 'Year 2006.' Right now the competitors are Ps 34, Deut 8, Isa 58, and... anything else God may choose. It's always kind of a strange thing, to attempt to pick a chapter. How should I decide? How do I know what God would have me commit to memory, and which passage does He desire to use to speak to me? But He is a faithful Guide.

Waiting
I've discovered I'm not very good at 'waiting quietly for the salvation of the Lord.' I can't measure my waiting, because by definition, it seems to be an absence of action. How can one measure doing nothing (so it seems to my human mind)? I want to listen more in my times with God. I've done far too much talking already.

I have a strange feeling that God is up to something. This year looms portentously before me: not in a bad way, but in an exciting way. The life of faith is humanly uncertain, yet it is certainly hopeful when that human hopes in the One who is unseen.

Sing, o my soul, to your Redeemer
We sang several Word-based songs in church today, a great encouragement to my soul. Giving flight to words declaring His lovingkindness-- helping the truth soar into the invisible waves of sound that reach a Body’s ears-- can and should be extremely heartening. God is always at work, though we often cannot see it. Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.

Rejoicing in the unchangingness of His grace,
M

I will bless the LORD...

2005-12-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

I wanted to try posting a picture from Picasa by Google, a picture program I love using, and discovered it to be incredibly easy! It really is a one-click process. So here's a shot from Caesarea Philippi of me, Meg, Shane, Erin, and Micah. I can't believe we were actually there. It's only been 20 days since we left the moshav, but it seems so far away. Not to dwell on the past overmuch or anything... just wanted to try something new.

Ps. 34 has been an encouragement to me of late:

I will bless the LORD at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together!
I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look on him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.

That's all for now. I'm out the door to take a walk in the beautiful sunshine.
M

Starting Over

2005-12-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

Here I am! Another blog... I seem to have a preponderance of them. But this shall be my attempt for 2006 (a few days early).

A forum for thoughts; an exercise in articulation; a place for pictures; outward-introspection to encourage others; to relay God's goodness; these are my aims.

To him alone be the glory, now and forever.
M