What's to be Done?

Indeed, what is to be done when one is too taxed mentally to even contemplate Milton, yet is not quite ready for bed? Write a blog post, of course! :)

I have felt overwhelmed, of late, with all the mental stimulation on so many different fronts. Each class lecture, reading assignment, sermon, and meaningful conversation provokes my brain into action. So many things to figure out, understand, make sense of. I caught myself thinking, I need space to think-- but there's not time. Which is not true, of course. I really have no business saying I am "too busy," for I actually do have time, I just squander it from time to time. When I could be thinking, sometimes, I choose to lose myself in a brainless pursuit, because it's easier. How many times a day do I reeeeally need to check my email? It's been more than a month now of schoolwork, and the fatigue is starting to set in-- mental and physical. Early hours rising, late hours bedding, and many hours studying will do that to a person. Yet how weak my will truly is, how lax my body-- even without pressures and strains. My situation isn't "hard" compared to some things.

For all I profess to love and believe, my life surely reflects one thing quite well: self-love. Meanwhile, God is at work and He is changing me, no doubt. But there is still far to run in my race, as far as I know. (Jesus could come back at any moment!) I will choose to continually reorient myself to seek Christ. Fall down? Get back up. Don't spend time trying to talk yourself out of it; just do what's right. Obey when you don't feel like it, and the feelings might come. Even if they don't, obedience's reward is immeasurable.

Yeah, a lot of stuff to work through. I think God is preparing me for the future. I sense Him at work, though unaware of His plan. I am growing increasingly weary of college, not just the work-- I like working hard-- but the situation. I want to be with older people more often, not my own peer group; it constrains me. I'm ready for meatier challenges (or so I think) and desirous of having someone's high expectations to meet. I guess God's are the highest possible, but I'm wanting an adult challenge. Probably a foolish wish... it will come soon enough, and God has exactly what He wants for me right now.

I am grateful for the Word.

And for friends.


In other news, I got a haircut this afternoon. It was a pretty spontaneous decision. Katy (Ford) needed to fill an appointment she had made for someone else who had to cancel, so I went with her. I feel too glamorous for my own good! I webcammed with my parents and took a picture afterward, for posterity, even though it's not hi-res. Oh well. I like the cut immensely, so far. I spend very little time on my hair, usually, and when I take the time with it, I feel vain for handling it during the day, as if to draw attention to it. I've never liked hair in the face; it gets in the way. But hey, first time for everything. I've got layers now, so it's necessary to leave it down more. :)Nothing wrong with being (and looking) feminine.

In other-other news, I took a CLEP test yesterday and PASSED!!!!! I was very excited and relieved, for that means there are now only 16 units between me and a bachelor's degree. Still have to take an Econ CLEP and finish my courses, but it's not insurmountable.

This isn't either, though it might seem like it: a group of us, don't ask me why, are going without sugar for a month. We're 10 days into it, so far so good. (I just jumped on the bandwagon, didn't come up with the idea.) We're not being super strict-- if sugar is already in something like bread, that's ok; natural sugar in fruit is ok, etc... it's just the tacitly artificially-sweetened things that are off-limits, like desserts and soda. I'm finding it's easier to avoid something altogether than to have self-discipline in indulging moderately, yet exercising restraint. I rely on a good metabolism too heavily. :) And I really do like salad and veggies and fruit! I don't drink soda, so no loss there. The "no chocolate or brownie or muffin or ice cream or sugar-bomb cereal" thing is hard, though. Not overly hard. It's funny how physical things like food can teach you about spiritual things like temptation, deceit, self-righteousness, self-love, self-supremacy, and idolatry.

I really should go to bed if I'm not going to do homework. I'm not. Therefore: good night!
M

A Word

My new favorite word, or favorite new word, courtesy of Prof Horner: conflate. :)

"I don't agree with that!"

Yes, ladies and gents (if you're actually there), I just disagreed, out loud, with my planner. This past January (I can't believe we're almost two months into 2006) I deliberated in the 'binders and planners' aisle at Staples over which calendar design I should buy for the year. The ones that suited me best (word-and-definition-per-week, for a word-lover) did not include the month-at-a-glance pages, so I bought less-desirable but adequate "flowery quotes" ones instead, because I can write in and see all the birthdays in any given month (my objective). By the way, there are flowers and other nostalgic objects strewn about the pages, along with supposed-to-be-pithy quotes by famous people. Nice color scheme, too: creamy parchment, dusty cranberry, slate blue, sage green; quite soothing. However, the quote in question, for which you are probably dying as you bewail my tedious and unnecessarily long buildup, was this:

Do not fear mistakes- there are none. (Miles Davis)

Obviously, he is not accounting for the sin factor. I just don't see how he can say there is no such thing as a mistake. I do agree with his implied outcome: positive thinking. Of course, my "positive thinking" is grounded on an unchanging God who speaks through His living and active Word, so our definitions of that term may differ, semantically speaking. Through the Word, I've been learning to think on what is true (Phil 4:8). God has told me that His perfect love casts out fear (I Jn 4:18) and that He is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Ps 46). I will continue to sin (but hopefully not walk in sin), though He is sanctifying me until that day He completes His work (Phil 1:6). He will come again (I Thess. 4:16-17)!! My hope lies in knowing Him and loving Him. His Word is becoming so precious to me! I just can't get enough, and want to just read and read and read. What a treasure; what a privilege.

He is my Rock

The concept of Sin has existed in the Word (and World) since Genesis 3. I'm sure my perception of Sin, Temptation, and the Fall will radically change once I've made it through my Milton class. "Paradise Lost" is an epic poem written by someone who had an extraordinary grasp of everything literary, including the Bible. Dr. Horner's already promised it will be revolutionary in our minds. I can't wait.

Directly proceeding the concept of sin follows the truth of consequences. How many people have experienced that truth firsthand in drastic ways? I need not give examples. It's a sobering thought to see how the mighty have fallen... or even how the ordinary 'girl next door' has become entangled in sinful desires-- dragged away, enticed, lured by a dangerous, alluring counterfeit which brings death (Jas 1:14-15). Sadly, we all know a person-- perhaps many people-- who have fallen away, or engrained patterns of disobedience in their lives. Hard hearts, messed-up marriages, suffering children: it's discouraging at times, though never hopeless. We must take heed, lest we fall. I am just as capable of screwing up as the next "Christian." It wasn't for my righteousness that Christ saved me; I must remember that. I deserve Hell as much as anyone. But I'm not going there. Jesus has ransomed me and chosen me, so I am His-- I have been bought and paid for, no longer my own.

Isn't it amazing what perturbation a simple 7-word sentence can provoke?


In other news, tonight was "Worship, Praise, and Prayer," a monthly night service at Faith Community. It was so refreshing! I'm so infinitely glad I went. We sang exuberant praise (well, my heart was rejoicing!), prayed for the missionaries from this church (in places like Spain, Tanzania, Brazil, Mongolia, the Ukraine, and Peru), and prayed for each other, in groups of about six. It was so awesome. I wish we could do that more often.

I love the Waldocks. Joan and Gordie have just been a huge encouragement to me! They are so solid and upward-focused... and exuberant and affectionate. I love having an established relationship, so that they know me. And when I tell them "just friends," they believe me. :) I wish I had a picture of them. I will have to rectify that situation sometime!

And I should reeeeally go do homework before nine o'clock, at which time we have another night game of Ultimate. Should be interesting, with a less-than-full moon. It will be fun, though freezing cold. I'm hoping for the former only and not the latter. :)

God paid the blood-price to save our souls, hallelujah, what a Savior!
M

The Ultimate Life

In the midst of hard questions-- how does that "put off, put on" thing work? How can I mortify my flesh? What would be the best thing to do with my time? How can I be a good friend? What in the world does God want of me?-- there is peace. Jesus obeyed His Father; we are to follow Christ's example, as His followers. It's simple, when you get down to it. We preach Christ and Him crucified. 'Simple, not easy,' as my pastor says. It's the hardest, yet most satisfying way to live. Just obey what you already know, and don't worry about the rest. That would be counterproductive. The rewards are certainly worthwhile-- eternal, versus fleeting? It's an easy choice when it's hypothetical. 'Of course, I will obey God. Less consequences, it pleases not grieves Him, it will be better for me...' but I choose to disobey because I believe a lie that says, "What I want will make me happy. I can't control my emotions, nor should I try! Daydreaming is a good thing!" Ha. Not even close.

That's where the Holy Spirit comes in!!! Well, technically He's already in me, but He is powerful! He is stronger than Satan and his minions. He has already won. NO ONE can snatch me out of the Father's hands. I am convinced-- fully persuaded-- that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. I will cling to God's truth! I will take captive every thought, to make it obedient to Christ! I will not look back, only press forward.

Now, if only I could just use my time well. :) This semester especially, I have a feeling God will be teaching me self-discipline. With only 13 units currently (and a few CLEP's to study for), time is a valuable commodity, in which my activities expand to fill the available time. It comes down to choices. And I don't always choose wisely, but God teaches even in mistakes.

Tonight was busy and wonderful-- I went to the home of a couple in my Sunday School class for a dinner-party-thing. It was really cool, especially cause Prof Horner and his wife were there, as were Gordie and Joan Waldock. Joan cracks me up. She's so spunky, and she cracks herself up all the time! She's not afraid to speak her mind, or poke fun at people in a loving way. She and Gordie are pillars, married 30 years and still going strong! Such an encouragement to me. And I discovered there are a couple people with full Jewish blood in our class as well. Extremely interesting to me! The conversation topics were pretty funny... aches and slipped disks and surgery... hey, what can I say? I was the youngest one there, but it was still amazing fun. I amend the previous statement: there were kids there, so I wasn't the youngest, but they were of the elementary school variety. The couples were about 30's to 50's. Something I appreciate about my church: people some age besides 17-23. I get tired of being around all college students all the time. I miss old people and kids, so church is a great way to relieve that hankerin'.

Oh, and since it was a full moon tonight, we played ULTIMATE, starting at 9 pm. It wasn't too bad actually, playing two days in a row. Time will tell-- the achy joints and stiff/sore muscles are sure to make an appearance. I was so pleased at the turnout!! Almost 20 people came... and I only got hit in the face with the frisbee once (one of the hazards of playing at night). It's intense in a different way than morning games, and the lit-up disc is fun. All in all, a great night.

And tomorrow will be great too, because I'm practicing rejoicing always. And blessing the Lord at all times. He has been showing me I need to do that, because I don't, and it's sin.

I got to talk to Robby on the phone last night!!! I miss him so much, he who calls me "Moreesa." That whole thing is kind of hard to explain, but I am so grateful we were on the worship team together. I loved his frank answer to my "howya doin'?"-- "I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty much a horrible sinner, but God saved me, so it's all good." Yeah. He's amazing and I miss him. But God has us each where we are for a purpose, praise His name. I can trust Him!

Different friends have taught me different things.

Philippe's mantra is "Rejoice!" His excitement is contagious. Mary tells it straight up, strengthening me in what is true with bold love. Robby is... Robby. :) As amillenial as you can get, and genuinely caring and knows his convictions. Shane listens well, and displays a willing heart. Erin gives good hugs, and despite some bumpy times, we are true sisters now. Kate brings a great perspective. David helps me look at the bright side... Christian reminds me there is subtlety in the world, somewhere. At Joe's story, my hope is renewed, that God works miracles in our hearts. Chris and Mindy are great for adventures. Emily reminds me to chill out and laugh. Meg shows me God is my Father... and that even 'littlest ones' can be worthy hikers. ;) Salome prompts me to speak clearly and explain idiomatic language. Jenny displays a perpetual positive attitude, in the face of uncommon illness. Kai reminds me to study (grrr) and be super. Hannah is open and kind.
Holly lives up to her middle name-- Joy-- and enjoys absurdly hilarious things. Lester's sense of humor still unsettles me, but I'm getting over it. Heather reminds me of the world out there, and of the people groups yet to be reached. Rosie's hard-earned wisdom strengthens me. Katy is sweet and genuine. Krissa is my dear heart, a fellow tender-heart-er. Micah encourages in so many ways, being a beyond-thoughtful brother.
Jen pursues God with sincerity.

I missed a couple of people in that list, but I love them all. Most of us who are still in CA got to hang out last night; it was awesome-- even Krissa was able to come. We met up at In N Out (food joint of choice, I guess) and ate, then went to Kate's condo for a game (Four on the Couch) and brownies... and a visit to the complex's hot tub. We had a blast. We reminisced and got all sentimental at one point. But neither Krissa nor I cried! An accomplishment! We prayed for the Spring IBEX group. And I couldn't help but think how we are all so different, yet because of our shared experience, we go together. And it's nice that everyone knows everyone else. As Holly is fond of saying, "I know you!" To know and be known is just about sublime. The only thing that would have made it better: a memory card in my camera. Yes, I had my camera. But no card. Oh well. Here's an "old" picture that will have to suffice.

Being known always reminds me of God's ultimate knowledge. It is way superior to anything we can have as humans-- He knows what's in our hearts even when we don't!

And that makes me happy.
M

college life, in all its "glory"

As the days of college wind down--my last semester!-- I feel more and more like a freshman. I shirk responsibility, defy policy parameters (mostly in my head), seem to be going backward in accountability.

Humility is submitting to rules when you don't think you need them; maturity is willingly obeying what is asked of you, even if it seems restrictive.

I recently found myself irked at the chapel/church miss policy, which seems unnecessarily complicated. ("Sunday School" does not count as one of the two required weekly services, unless your church doesn't have an evening service, in which case it does count as a church service. College group, midweek Bible study, or Awana do not count either, if your church has a night service. You miss night service (or morning service, for that matter) and go to 5 other meetings at the church during the week, doesn't matter. Still a miss. But they give you 8 for the semester, which should be plenty. But still...)

How sad that such rules are necessary at all! You have to make people go to church? These are things people should seriously be doing on their own, because they're right... right? I guess it's hard when you've been trained to be responsible, then your authority assumes you'll be irresponsible. (It's a wound to the ego, a pride issue, I guess.) That is not the case, however; it is true that many people my age do not follow good guidelines, and need the strictures for their own good, and the people in authority are perhaps leery of students because of a track record of lazy disobedience. I'm amazed (though I shouldn't be) at what some of my peers will say and do. My own heart is plenty wicked and deceitful. And I am here voluntarily, thus it was a choice in the beginning and it's a choice to obey now, too.

All that said, I had a smashing time tonight, avoiding homework and bowling with friends! I "never" go do fun stuff during the week, so I did tonight. Especially since it was $1 night-- game and shoes for only a buck apiece. Great fun!! Incidentally, I have discovered something at which I am TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!! But it was still fun. Joe and Holly were amazingly good. Turtle held his own, and Shane was freaked out by the extra-smooth lane, so he kept me company at the tail end of the party. I did get two or three strikes, though!

I need to take more pictures! I have gotten out of the habit, since being back. I have none from T&L... and just a few from the first few weeks of school. Many fun times, but no pictures. That's ok. I'll rectify that henceforth. Starting now: here's a picture of us from tonight!

Every day that passes, I grow increasingly aware of the huge privilege it was to go to Israel. I am SO thankful for the people He has allowed me to get to know.

The more I read of gifted writers (Milton, Piper, Gunner...) the more inadequate and feeble my expressive power seems to become.

And I waste time on things that absolutely DO. NOT. MATTER. in eternity. Why? I thought I wanted to live sold-out for Christ? Why am I so flaky?

But He has blessed me. He chose me. He adopted me. He has accepted, redeemed, and forgiven me. Huge blessings, enumerated in Eph. 1, among other places. I can't get over His grace.

And... His provision. In spite of my willful sin. He provided all the money I needed, within the time deadline placed upon me, for a Spring Break trip to Mobile, AL, to help with rebuilding homes in an area devastated by Katrina. Did I pray enough about it? I don't think so. Yet He chose to provide. He would still be good, even if He didn't choose to provide. But He did. I don't understand it. But I can appreciate it.

Posting is dangerous when you're in a bit of a pensive mood.
So I end soon, because I need to get to bed.

Am I obedient? Am I willing to give up everything, not just the things I don't want, but the most dear and precious things to which I cling-- those things, for Christ?

None of us have any guarantee for tomorrow. I was reminded of that last night in Milton: one's life is a thread overshadowed by a scissors-wielding Fate, ready to snip the thread at any moment-- a totally pagan image, but compelling nonetheless. I could die tomorrow! Or Jesus could come back! I just don't know. No one knows how many days God has planned for them. So why do I worry about what I'm gonna do in the future, if I don't even know if there will be a future? It's an interesting perspective to have.

Saved,
M

Repositories... not of bones, but of energy!

This afternoon and evening I had the rare privilege of babysitting two amazing little girls. One reminded the other to obey God and Mommy... they played well together and had superb imaginations, creating clues for a mysterious treasure hunt during a walk... they love each other and their baby sister, and are polite and sociable with strangers... they wanted to name my turtles John and Jude-- as in, 'his name is John,' and 'Jude and Revelation.' Wow. The solid training they've already received was so evident. It made me even more aware of the fact that I am not ready to be a parent. Of course, parents start out with a newborn and have opportunity to train up their children from Day One, whereas I was confronted with a 5- and 3-year-old. But I still don't know how to train children up well. It's such a huge task. I am certain, however unqualified I feel, that God provides the grace needed at every point of the endeavor called Parenting. Just like marriage, which requires supernatural intervention, being a parent teaches a person many things about themselves and God (I would gather this, not having personal experience of either, yet). Logan (with the cucumbers) is compliant and quite the conversationalist. Tori (pictured below) is quite a little monkey, climbing anything available, and hardly flinching at scraped knees and banged shins. They both have so much energy that I was exhausted after a few hours of keeping up with them. And their mom has them all the time, except for a few hours of kindergarten for Logan. What stamina!

You may be wondering why Logan is enjoying what appears to be spa treatment. Well, Cindy (their mom) dropped the girls off with me at the dorm, and tonight just happened to be a dorm slumber party... event... thing, so the little ones got to enjoy "dance dance revolution," cookie baking, face masks, a sauna room (just for a moment), and many willing playmates! It worked out pretty well, except for my attention being divided among too many things-- mostly trying to keep track of both of them at once. I think they enjoyed it also, so it was fun. They are both absolute packages of energy. I almost could not believe it.

Logan's "clues" -- special leaves or pine cones with messages instructing us that "up ahead" we would find our next clue-- reminded me of a list I made the other day, when I needed some "facts": truths of God that I needed to remember in my situation, simple thing that should be self-evident, but which I tend to neglect in the face of struggles.

Here's a rendering of 25 things I jotted down. :)

1. God has a plan.
2. God's plan is for my good.
3. God is capable of working out His plan (no plan of His can be thwarted).
4. God is sovereign.
5. God's plan is best.
6. God loves me, and has already given me everything I need for life and godliness.
7. I am not sovereign.
8. I do not know what would be best, nor do I know the future.
9. God is trustworthy.
10. Waiting patiently and willingly is worth it.
11. Life on earth is short; eternity is forever.
12. True contentment and peace are found in Christ alone.
13. God uses trials to perfect and mature me.
14. The daily choices I make do matter.
15. My goal in life must be to pursue Christ.
16. Submission of all of me to Christ is worth it.
17. God does not despise the sacrifice of a broken and contrite heart.
18. He protects me from evils of which I am not even aware.
19. Jesus persevered and obeyed; He is to be my example.
20. My life exists to glorify God.
21. The holy Spirit fills me, when I do not resist, and guides and comforts me.
22. He is my down payment, deposit, or guarantee that I belong to God.
23. No one can snatch me out of the hands of the Father.
24. Because of my knowledge and faith, along with complete reliance on the power of God, I can persevere. I will not grow weary in doing good. I will not give up, nor forget my goal and purpose: to KNOW CHRIST.
25. One day, I will stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ and give an account for how I lived this fleeting life.

That's my list, and now it's beyond bedtime, if I am going to get up for Ultimate at 8... we'll see. J-sun called me last Saturday at 8:15 a.m. to see if I wanted to come... it was pretty funny, later, that he woke me up when I had no intention of playing Ultimate that day. Oh well.

God is so good. I say that so often, but I am continually blown away at His faithful sameness, even after I blow it. He never changes; He is 'the unlying God.' May my life reflect His glory in some small way.

M