Blear-jet

Bleary-eyed definitely describes me at the moment. I'm slouching at a computer in the library, grimacing a bit in order to keep my eyes open at all. It's 11:52 p.m., Monday of Finals Week. I have been here, excepting meal breaks and a mandatory loan consolidation seminar, since 9 a.m., which amounts to around 11 hours so far. (Lib's open til 2 a.m. during Finals Week.) 10 pages of my Milton paper have come into existence during that time, and the other 8 or so have been rearranged, pared, cut-n-pasted, and otherwise edited until they reach some semblance of coherence. I got stuck at several points, but passed a milestone or two along the way: at 12 pages, it became the longest paper I've ever written! I am, while being on the verge of groggily lethargic, understandably jumpy because Sean H has this wonderful habit of sneaking up behind me and growling in my ear. I'm not gonna lie, it gets me every time. I have two papers to turn in tomorrow morning, then I'm essentially done until Thursday, on which day I will study for my optional Foundations final and perhaps pack, but a definite part of the agenda will be hanging out with my parents, who will be arriving that afternoon. For Graduation weekend.

My wooden chair has become more uncomfortable by the minute. I'm starting to catch myself in random episodes of blank-staring.

I have no reason to complain about anything. Even when it's Finals Week and I have to do something "hard," it's so trivial. God is my rock, He is my center, the reason I do anything. I give shoulder rubs and read books and write papers and eat food and lay in the sunny grass because He enables me. Too often I forget that and think I run my own life. I presume to think I know what is best for me.

I learned today that Ecclesiastes is perhaps not the best book to read for your devotional time when you are dreading the ordeal of writing a huge paper. :) I was almost tempted to blow it off, quoting, "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity!" But I resisted that urge, and worked hard on the paper instead. And God helped me to finish it, notwithstanding one last entry for my bibliography.

It struck me today: Four days from today is Graduation. A day, a week goes by so quickly. It's almost here. Am I living well, to the end? (Or, the beginning.) There is no guarantee of tomorrow, for anyone. Life here is short; eternity is forever. But I don't live like it. I usually allow eternal thoughts to drift to the back of my mind, unheeding of the urgency of the call to 'live in a manner worthy.' Preoccupied with my own selfish thoughts about my own little life, I squander kingdom-time in favor of pleasing myself. I don't really want God to be glorified by my life; I just want to look like I want it, and I want to look like God is glorified by my life. Fighting the flesh is a constant in this life. But it's worth it when we dust off those "things above" thoughts and bring them into the light, for that practice yields the proper perspective.

Friends are awesome. Interpersonal relationships can be complicated. Saying goodbye is weird and hard. Life is about to change in a massive way... but it's not something I can't deal with, with God's help. It's inconsequential, in the truly grand scheme of things.

Press on, and rejoice always, as I will strive to.
M